player, but he’s desperate to get in Baverstock’s good graces. I’ve never seen him so desperate.”
Our kiss outside the Southey hangs in my thoughts. It pushes everything else out. It crowds out all the bad, and it has been doing so for a long time. I still feel the butterflies, the rise in my chest and the ease in my shoulders. How could something so perfect fall so fast?
“He was so nice to me,” I say.
“He’s also been a dick to you.” She shakes her head. “Thin walls in the Airbnb.”
“You don’t under—” I stop. I’ve said it before. I’ve thought it countless times.
Context is important. If people only see the good, or they only see the bad, they can’t understand any of the complexities of any relationship. And ours has its complexities. But she understands how I’m hurting. I see it in her gentle expression and hear it in her hushed voice. I can’t cling to the only good memories we have anymore.
My cheeks feel flushed. “I’ve got to talk to him.”
“He’s going to be so pissed at me,” she says with a sigh.
“I’ve had some shitty experiences with this in the past, so I want to know: Are you my friend? My real friend? With no attachments?”
“Of course.” She laughs. “Like I told you—I like you, Marty. And I don’t want you to be even more hurt in the long run. And I don’t want your music career to suffer.”
I clench my fists when I realize I believe her. I’m wounded from Megan, eviscerated by Pierce. But I can’t let that keep other friends at bay. I can’t fear being close to anyone. I want to keep her as a friend.
“Okay.” I give her a hug, and her thick hair bunches in my face. I whisper through it. “I won’t tell him you said anything, then. I’ll keep this focused on me and him.”
I pack up my oboe and hold it close to my side. My feet lead me down the jagged alleyways, to my destination. I see the espresso bar through the window, and through the window I watch Ajay and Pierce chat. Well, I watch Ajay chat and Pierce nod. His posture’s wrecked, like he’s trapped in a fishing net that’s pulling him under the table.
I walk in and then order an espresso from the bar. I hate this. I hate this. But I have to do this.
I take a seat with Ajay and Pierce.
“Dani wanted to show you something,” I say to Ajay. “She’s at the tacky souvenir shop next door.”
“Right, okay.” He hesitates, then stands.
His footsteps echo through the bar, and there’s a part of me that wishes he would turn around, or Pierce would follow, or the espresso machine would explode, so I didn’t have to have this talk.
The feelings are back. The constricted chest and lightheadedness, and there are only a handful of people in here, but it might as well be Trafalgar Square. The breaths don’t come easy anymore. Ajay is out the door, so I turn.
I look at Pierce, who looks down. The act brings back the fire from before, the clenched fists and tense shoulders. I flip so fast between panic and rage it’s like I give myself whiplash. I don’t know how to feel. I’ve never googled how to have a serious conversation with your asshole boyfriend, but I know what it’d say.
The chair legs groan as I make room for me at the table. Across from Pierce, not beside him. He looks to me, and I take my shot.
“What are we doing?” I ask. “Look at you! Hunched shoulders, eyes glued to the ground. You don’t even like being around me.”
He looks down in response.
“I don’t know what changed,” I say, “but all you care about is minimizing your time with me, or forcing me to do stuff I don’t want to. And making me feel bad for it.”
“That’s not fair,” he says. His voice sounds off. Too low and scratchy to belong to him. “I haven’t been feeling it lately.”
“Lately? Pierce.” I sigh. “You never felt it. Why are you acting like you did?”
“I’m going through a bad time right now,” he says. “And if you can’t stick with me through it, you might as well not even be my boyfriend.”
I clench my fists again. I feel my pulse skyrocketing, but I grit my teeth.
“You’ve never stuck through anything with me, Pierce, and it’s clear you never will. This isn’t an even relationship; it’s not a