but she'd never gone without.
The missing element was inside of her, and she had no clue how to get it back. Maybe this all boiled down to survivor's guilt or abandonment issues, as her pediatric shrinks once diagnosed. If so, Noah was the best medicine available. With him, she was??ree.
She poured herself a cup of coffee and sat in front of his laptop at the kitchen island. Now that she had some time, she could look up this Rizzoli person who'd made Noah's life hell. No doubt, Noah had told her everything, but she was curious to see faces and find out how the trial was going.
An hour and two cups of coffee later, Raven stretched, closing the browsers. The prosecution had just rested their case on Friday and the defense was set to begin Monday. The press was leaning toward a conviction and she didn't see how any jury could let the man off on all the evidence.
Just as she was about to close the laptop, a Skype invitation popped on the screen from Aubrey. Grinning, she opened it and waved.
"You're using Noah's computer?"
She laughed. "Just doing some internet surfing. How are you? I had a blast visiting. Maybe I can come up again in a couple weeks?"
Her grin was just as infectious as Noah's. "Awesome! There's tons we didn't get to do last time, like swimming and stuff."
"You're on. I'll talk to your uncle to see what we can arrange." She got up to refill her coffee, taking the laptop with her. "Check this out." Raven turned the screen around to show Aubrey the picture they'd colored on Noah's fridge. "Best spot in the house."
They chatted for thirty minutes about hair and clothes when Aubrey was called away by Frances for lunch. "Can we Skype again? When are you coming back to visit?"
The mix of excitement and loneliness in her voice broke Raven's heart. Her throat tight, she smiled. "We can't come this weekend, but let's shoot for the next. And you can call me anytime." She bit her lip, not knowing how much Aubrey knew about the trial. She and Noah never discussed Aubrey's knowledge of her past. "To play it safe, why don't we just plan to Skype on your uncle's laptop here?"
After saying goodbye, Raven dropped her elbows on the counter and grinned. She hadn't known Noah's niece very long, but she was a darn great kid who made it easy to like her. Just like her uncle. For a moment, she wondered what it would be like to have normal. The three of them sitting around the dinner table, talking about their day. Planning what to do for the weekend. Tucking Aubrey in for the night or checking out a grade on her math test.
The images didn't make her heart pound or her lungs collapse. A warm sensation filled her chest instead, possibilities blooming. Noah had said no pressure. He just wanted her to stay, to keep going as they were in the hope that she'd feel the same. Less than two months ago, she'd have laughed if someone told her what she'd be doing right now.
Before Noah, sex was a swift release and nothing more. Often, it was more hassle than it was worth. Heading to the club, watching the members from the shadows, picking the right man who had sub tendencies. Exhausting. Her day had been programmed to the minute, even Friday dinners with Noah. She went to work and she came home. There had been no excitement, no spark to break up the monotony.
How had she not known what else was out there, how good it could be?
Her gaze landed on a binder between the microwave and a seasoning rack. Rising, she slid it out and opened it. Index cards and scraps of paper were pressed neatly into page protectors, all with the same similar handwriting. Some of the pages were yellow and worn, some a bit newer, but all contained recipes. Casseroles, cookies, soups, bread.
She leaned on the counter and scrolled through the binder. They were definitely his mother's recipes he'd told her about their first night together. She'd offered to cook a few of her dishes for Noah, but was shocked she found herself thinking she wanted to make them all. Maybe not right away, but slowly, night after night, working her way through Noah's memories.
The last page's entry said "Noah's Favorite." Italian meatloaf. Straightening, she headed for the door to see if the guards were outside.
Max nodded in