Either way, I bury myself in work for a while. I grab a snack, watch a show on Netflix, and then head to bed.
I slip into bed beside him. He’s quiet, and I assume he’s asleep. I turn away from him and face the windows of the guest room wishing things were different in this moment. We should be holding hands as we brace for tomorrow, and instead I feel like he keeps pushing me further and further away.
“I’m scared, Ellie,” he whispers into the darkness. I’m nearly asleep, and for just a beat, I think I might’ve dreamed that he said those words.
“So am I,” I admit, though my admission comes from a completely different place than his.
“I’ve been under this knife before. The recovery was brutal, and it’ll be even worse this time with the dislocation and my age. I don’t know if there’s any coming back from this.” His voice is soft, but I still hear the emotion in it.
Tears pinch behind my eyes. I’m grateful for this midnight confession in the dark. I’m grateful he’s letting me in.
I turn onto my back then reach over under the covers to take his hand in mine. I lace my fingers through his, and I squeeze. “You’re a fighter, Luke. If you want to come back, you’ll find a way.”
“Yeah,” he murmurs. “But I don’t know how much fight I have left in me.”
“How come?”
“It’s everything. You know? It’s my age. It’s Calvin making me feel like I’m not good enough, and it’s Michelle and this baby trapping me into things I don’t want with her. It’s my family and the lack of support. It’s feeling like an asshole for lashing out at the people I care the most about.”
I hope he means me...but I’m not going to assume anything at this point.
“Let’s start with your boss. How has he made you feel like you’re not good enough?” I ask.
“I don’t know,” he says. “He just does.”
“Any chance you’re projecting your fears onto him?”
“Maybe,” he mutters.
“Okay, what about the thing with Michelle?” I ask, moving onto the next part of his speech. “What if the baby isn’t even yours? We should find out any day now.”
“Right, but what if it is?”
“Then you’ll be an amazing father. You care so much, and you’re so kind and giving. You’ll roughhouse and play and provide.” I realize I’m telling him everything that’s been flashing through my own mind since I took that test. I amend my thoughts to include the whole point of what we’re talking about. “And you and Michelle will figure things out. You’ll build a bridge for that baby. Maybe in different houses, though.”
“I guess,” he murmurs.
“When you mentioned lashing out at people...” I say, not sure how to ask if he meant me.
“I was talking about you. I didn’t mean to push you away in the shower,” he says, and I can’t help but wonder whether he’d be confessing to these same truths if we were face-to-face in daylight rather than lying beside each other in darkness. “I just...I’m not in a place where I’m ready for that. Believe me, I want it. I want you. I love you. That hasn’t changed, but like I once told you before, I become a different guy during the season. I have to. I’m focused on the game, and I can’t afford distractions. But when I’m hurt, well, that becomes the center of my focus. I might be a different guy during the season, but I know I’m virtually unrecognizable when I’m hurt.”
“You have every right to be,” I say softly. “And I’m here for it. For you. I know this is the worst-case scenario, and I will hold your hand every step of the way.”
Not just because I’m your wife. Also because I’m carrying your child.
I omit that last part. I can’t tell him now—not because I don’t want to, because I most certainly do. But because I need to get checked before I spring more news on him, especially when there isn’t anything he can do as he goes into surgery tomorrow. It’s just one more thing he doesn’t need to worry about until I have a chance to see a doctor.
“And as for your family, your brother showed up at the ER after the game,” I point out. “Wasn’t that support?”
He snorts in derision. “Hardly. He was just covering his own ass.”
“For what?” Is this it? Is he referencing this big secret they hold?
“Just making sure I’m keeping