was a shrew to him toward the end. They weren’t getting along—something to do about honesty and money. They would argue loud enough at our meetings for anyone in the vicinity to hear. Apparently, some of the donations to the charity went missing and Eb caught it. I don’t know, maybe Gloria was stealing them? Maybe Gloria finally caught him running around with other women? Eb is a notorious flirt. He’s playing Santa everywhere you turn this month, and don’t think he’s not goosing all the gorgeous women.”
Carlotta grunts, “What I wouldn’t do to be goosed by a man in a Santa suit.”
Candy bubbles with a laugh. “Well, it’s your lucky night.”
The music changes tempo just as the waitress sets down a culinary architectural wonder in front of me.
“Holy Father Christmas!” I shout as I struggle to take in this tower of mac and cheese glory.
Candy laughs once again. “Didn’t I tell you the secret menu was the way to go? That’s mac and cheese on a bed of corn chips with burnt end ribs, pastrami crumble, bacon, and onion rings layered throughout. And it’s all topped off with a generous layer of nacho cheese.”
“I’m in heaven,” I whisper mostly to myself.
“I’m in heaven,” Kringle says, diving right into the middle of it, and I quickly dig my fork into the dish as it begins to shake and wobble. But I don’t care about the fact I’m splitting this deliciousness with a starving specter. Kringle and I make quick work of it. But before I can take the very last bite, Cormack plucks me out of my seat as the entire establishment gathers around the stage at the base of the dance floor.
A sultry version of “Santa Baby” begins to play as the lights spasm in shades of red and green. And floating down from the rafters, holding onto what appears to be thick red cables are four rather beefy looking men in Santa suits. The pulley system they’re holding onto raises and lowers them as they swing open their robes every now and again, flashing their well-chiseled chests, much to the approval of the crowd.
Soon they’re lowered all the way to the floor and begin to regale the crowd with the bawdy sway of their hips. They pull off their belts and lose the oversized robes, only to leave a row of bare-chested men with nothing but red pants and boots on. Their faux beards and pointed holiday hats are still in place. I can’t help but avert my eyes at the entire scene. No wonder Cormack and Cressida dragged me out here. This raunchy Santa routine is just their speed.
One of the broad-chested Santas holds up a mic. “Things are heating up here at the North Pole. We’re going to need a couple of lovely ladies to help us cool off. Any volunteers from the—”
Before he can finish, Carlotta scrambles up on stage. And while a jolly laugh circles the room at the sight of her, both Cormack and Cressida land me in the heated spotlight myself.
“Ugh.” I dust myself off after the two of them hand me off to one of the beefy Santas. And now that I’m up close and personal, I can see the man’s chest glistening with oil. He’s got washboard abs and a devilish gleam in his eyes, but believe me, I’ve seen better in both Noah and Everett. Besides, according to Everett’s body, a six-pack is for amateurs.
The music grows bawdier by the minute, and the Santa in question is spinning me to the rhythm while shimmying his body up and down mine as if I were a pole. Suddenly, each Santa on stage has a woman to call his own, and soon we’re standing in a line while the Santas before us do a few dirty dance moves in our honor.
“This is the life, Lot,” Carlotta says with her eyes glued to the naughty Santa before her. “Once I took a gander at this place, I knew we were in for a Christmas miracle.”
“More like the nightmare before Christmas.”
A group of women dressed as elves bring out four barstools, and the Santas dance us over to them before taking a seat and turning us over on their laps. And as my personal Santa pretends to use my bottom as a toy drum, I spot Cormack and Cressida snapping away pictures with their phones.
Great. It looks as if I’ll have some explaining to do when I get home tonight. It wouldn’t shock