I choke out. “I really, really would. I’m going to be better. Somehow, I’ll change. If only we can… find my… son.”
I’m sobbing and can’t say any more. I’m shouting my prayers in my head. Begging God, the universe, anyone or anything that will listen. Let my son be okay. Please don’t take him from me. I need him. I need them both. I can’t go on without either of them.
“We’ll find them,” Calista says, her voice sounds absolutely certain.
It bolsters my flagging hope. We will find them. We have to. I can’t even consider the alternative.
Silence falls over our small group again as we all focus on moving forward. The moons rise. Three of them are showing tonight, casting the world in a silvery light. It’s as if the world is turned to black and white. It’s beautiful, empty, and cold, but beautiful.
We pause for water, and I turn around in a circle, trying to find any landmark I can use to guide us by, something more than the instinct I’m running on. I’m all for a mother’s instincts, but I’d like to have a guidepost to navigate by. Anything.
“Is that a rock formation way out there?” I ask, pointing.
They move up beside me and stare.
“I think so,” Jolie says at last.
“Does it look like an old man with a crooked nose?” I ask.
“Sort of,” Calista says, uncertainty in her voice.
“Okay, good, I remember that. When we reach that, we go left. That was a bit over halfway,” I say.
“If that’s halfway, where did you sleep on your journey?” Jolie asks. “This is too far for straight travel. Shidan never would have had you keep going.
“Shit!” I exclaim. “You’re right. There was a small crevasse that he made a camp for us in. It was before that landmark… maybe a quarter of the way to the cave?”
Calista smiles, and a burst of energy floods through all of us. It’s clear to see in each of their faces.
“We need to move,” Jolie says.
Going downhill is always easier. The biggest problem is getting your feet tangled up in the sand, which sounds stupid until it happens to you. Because you sink in differing depths, when you start picking up momentum, it’s easy for one foot to sink in further than you expect, and you’re already taking the next step. In an instant, you are no longer running but tumbling, often head over heels. Having done this too many times, all of us move with caution.
Once we reach the more-or-less flat ground before starting up the next dune, all of us run. Or the Tajss equivalent of running. The glimmer of hope bolsters my body. It pushes aside the exhaustion, the aches, and the pains. Nothing touches the black emptiness that continues to threaten my thoughts, but it does help to hold even that at bay.
Up the next dune and down the far side. Almost halfway up the next. I take a step, and my foot keeps sinking until my entire leg is swallowed in the loose spot of sand.
“Ah!” I cry as my foot keeps going in, and then I faceplant into the sand.
I rise up on my arms and try to pull free, but I can’t get out of the hole. The sand I’m pushing against to pull myself out is also loose, so my hands sink in. Calista and Jolie come over to help, but can’t get too close or risk getting stuck themselves.
“Crap,” Calista says, sliding her pack off and setting it down.
“We need a rope or something,” Jolie says.
“A good bit of rope. Never travel far without a rope,” Calista mutters.
“What in the holy hell are you talking about?” I snap. “We never travel with rope.”
Calista looks at Jolie and shakes her head. My cheeks flush, seeing full well I’m not in the loop on some private joke.
“Heathens, what can you do?” Jolie asks, smiling.
“I’m stuck here, are you two going to help or not?” I ask.
“I don’t know, she hasn’t read Lord of the Rings, maybe we should leave her,” Calista says.
“Lord of the what?” I ask. “I never had time for reading, I was training!”
“And that is probably why you’re the way you are,” Calista says.
“What do you mean by that?” I ask.
“Grumpy,” Calista says. “You’re always grumpy. You don’t read, let your mind wander, explore new ideas and possibilities.”
I close my eyes and count to ten. It’s an old technique and while it has never helped me before it has helped Shidan and I’ll