steps and into my backside.
I shifted Sophie onto the step and ran back to my room, throwing open my window to the crisp morning air. “Dad? Dad?” I called.
I couldn’t see him, but he snapped back, “What?”
“You all right?” I asked, quiet and unsure.
“Perfect.” He took three long strides down the porch steps and across the driveway.
“Where are you going?” I called.
“Out.”
I took the screen off the window and crawled onto the porch roof just as Calder came around the side of the house. I hadn’t seen him in days, and he ignored the fact I was even there.
He grabbed Dad’s shoulder and stopped him in his tracks. “Give her another try, Jason. You need to give it time to work.”
“I tried to do it like you told me, but it’s no use. I only feel worse.”
“Dad, please don’t go,” I said, creeping closer to the gutter. “I haven’t seen you in two weeks.”
He didn’t turn around. He only shook off Calder’s hand and ran into the woods. I watched him go, forcing myself not to ask Calder the questions that hung in the air between us: Was Dad’s betrayal complete? Had he left us for good? I knew the answers. To have Calder confirm them aloud would only make them more real.
Calder was smart enough and kind enough to be silent. He seemed to be listening for something, anyway—something too far away for me to hear. After a moment, he said, “That’s that, then.”
He hung his head and walked to his car. I watched as he climbed in the back and lay down on the seat. His feet hung out the door, and he threw one arm over his face. Only in that gesture did he answer me. Dad wasn’t coming back. And I couldn’t help thinking it was all my fault. If I’d never told him the truth about what he was, he’d be a normal dad, in the kitchen doing crossword puzzles.
Running back downstairs, I found Mom in the living room. When she heard me coming she drew the back of her hand across her eyes.
“Are you okay?” I asked.
“What does it look like?”
She was going to have to work harder to deter me. “He’ll be back,” I said, hoping it wasn’t a lie. Even if I didn’t believe it, I needed to get the words out for her. Even if she didn’t believe me, she needed to hear them.
Mom moved slowly into the kitchen, wetted a rag, and started wiping down all the surfaces. “He’s always gone. He comes home late, if he comes home at all. He hasn’t slept here in nearly a week. I think it’s pretty clear what’s going on, Lily.”
“No, Mom. It may be many things, but it is definitely not clear.”
“Tell me I’m being silly.”
“Dad’s not having an affair, if that’s what you’re saying. I know that much for certain.”
“He never used to lie to me. I know life hasn’t been easy since I got sick. I wouldn’t blame him if he wanted to leave.”
“Dad loves you. He needs you to be happy. Try and fake it if you have to. I can’t explain, Mom, but you have to trust me. If you’re angry, if you’re sad, it’ll be harder for him to come back.”
She laughed one hard laugh and threw the rag into the sink. “Seems a little circular, don’t you think, babe? It’s the coming home that will make me happy, not the other way around. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t be having this conversation with you. Fine bit of parenting, isn’t it? Never mind, never mind. I think I just need to take a bath. A bath and a nap.”
A small whimper drifted down the stairwell and Mom rearranged her expression. “Can you take Sophie out for a bit? She’s been cooped up with me so much. Go do something fun with her. That would help me a lot.”
The noontime sun blazed down on us as we bobbed a safe thirty feet from our dock—me, Sophie, and Calder—in our small, aluminum fishing boat. A blue plastic cooler sat by my feet. Water sloshed gently against the hull. None of us spoke. Worry roiled in my head like storm clouds. I hoped that was the only reason Calder wouldn’t look at me, and it wasn’t that he was still mad about my eavesdropping, or worse, holding back an I told you so. You should have never told your dad the truth.
Why hadn’t I believed him when he said it was