tries to follow me, but the attendant asks for his ID card and room number and he doesn't have that.
"Jacqueline, wait!" Dante yells after me just as the doors close, but I don't open them again.
I'm pissed. I want him to go to hell.
When I get back to my room, I peel off my wet clothes and jump in the shower, crying for over half an hour. The hot water brings up my core temperature, but the tears feel hot against my skin as I get out.
I'm so angry with myself. I’m so angry with Dante first for coming here and surprising me, for invading my life, but also for catching me doing something so terrible.
What would I have done if he hadn't shown up?
How far would it have gone?
I want to believe that I would've pulled away, but it was hard enough to pull away from Noah before our lips touched.
Now, after that, if our mouths were on each other’s? I don't know what would have happened.
I hate myself for even thinking about it. I hate myself for cheating because that's what it is.
There are all these fake definitions of cheating; oral sex doesn't count, only actual intercourse does.
But my definition is a lot simpler. Noah and I were being intimate, we were flirting, we were only having fun in that romantic way.
It was so much more than reminiscing. I can deny it all I want, but I know the truth.
I know exactly what I was doing just like Dante does and that's why he was so angry and that's why he's so hurt because I shouldn't have done that. Our relationship is worth more and he's right.
I sit down on the edge of the bed and I bury my head in my knees.
Dante is right.
If he hadn't shown up, if he hadn't interrupted us, who knows how far it would have actually gone?
26
Dante
I show up in Seattle to surprise her. I get on the plane without making plans, but I know what hotel she's staying in.
I need to get out of Salt Lake City. I need to put this horrible thing that I've done behind me and get some clarity. I need to remember why I was doing any of this in the first place.
I arrive in Seattle in the evening, and I take a cab straight to her hotel. It's pouring, and I can't wait to take Jacqueline into my arms, kiss her, and love her, and maybe even ask her to marry me.
I've never felt this close to anyone before. I've never had such a connection. I know that what Jacqueline and I share is special.
It's worth holding onto these secrets. It's worth protecting all of this darkness.
I know that by being with her, the darkness will disappear, and finally, I'll be able to breathe.
I just have to give it some time. There's so much that I have not told her, and so much that she can never know, but I say to myself that it's all for the greater good. It’s all to make our relationship work.
I walk through the double doors of the five-star hotel just across the way from Vasko’s building. We haven't talked about how her interview went, but she did text saying that she had a good feeling about it.
I can't wait to take her into my arms and kiss her, and then climb into the shower and wash all of this darkness and death off of my hands, as if it were possible.
I head through the lobby, and then in the corner of the room, right across from the bar, I see them.
At first, the couple, and it takes me a little bit to recognize that it's actually Jacqueline and some guy.
Who is he? Why is he rubbing her back like that?
I stand by a column in the shadows just out of eyesight. I want to see what is really going on. This is so unexpected and out of the blue that I'm in a state of shock.
Jacqueline pulls up her head and the guy wraps his arms around her. He looks to be about her age, attractive, well off, judging from the clothes. His look is a bit more casual than what you see on guys in finance, so he must work in tech.
He holds her in that familiar way, and I know immediately that they're not strangers. He has held her before.
She buries her face in his shoulders, and he pats the back of her head. When she