like something is gnawing at me.
"Are you seeing anyone?" I ask.
"No," he answers quickly, but not with any tinge of desperation.
Nothing about Noah's ever been desperate and that's what made him so exciting.
I wait for him to ask me back. This is my lead-in to talking about Dante, but he doesn't.
He just leaves me hanging.
"Tell me about your life," he says, even though we've already caught up somewhat earlier, I go into greater detail, this time touching on my mother's illness and my brother's death, but not yet bringing up the fact that I got the letter.
I don't know how to bring that up, and I don't want it to dominate the conversation.
"How about you? What have you been up to?" I ask.
He starts telling me about his travels. He had dropped out of Cornell his second year because he got bored and wanted to travel around the world.
"I've always been fascinated by the hobos who, you know, used to ride trains, live life out there on nothing but their wits and so, I wanted to do that. Maybe I read too much Jack Kerouac."
"Yeah, I'd say so.” I laugh, secretly in awe. “So, did you ever end up riding any rails?"
"Yes. From Fargo, North Dakota, to Spokane. I have to tell you it wasn't as exciting as I thought it would be. And there was a lot of hiding from security, so not exactly like the '30s. But it was fun; hopping on, feeling the romance in the air."
"Are there a lot of cute girls to meet on the railroad tracks?" I joke and he smiles.
We've always had good banter.
"I hiked from the very Southern tip of California, right by the Mexican border all the way to Canada."
"Following the Pacific Crest Trail?" I ask.
"Yeah, kind of, but it wasn't really a planned thing. I veered off course quite a lot and it took more than five months, but had some great fun, met some awesome people."
"And what about work?" I ask.
"Well, I was a climbing guide, a hiking guide, surfing guide. I did a lot of guiding and then hitchhiked all the way to Alaska."
"You did?" I ask. "Isn't that dangerous?"
"Not as dangerous as you'd think. You're going mainly through Canada, and hitchhiking is pretty common there. It's true what they say about Canadians. They're a really friendly bunch. The lack of guns helps also."
I laugh.
Noah tells me about taking a cargo ship out to Hawaii and then backpacking through Europe for a summer.
Suddenly, I feel like I haven't lived that much at all. I've been so busy with my everyday life, going to school, trying to make a living.
I wonder if maybe I should've given myself more of a chance to have a little fun. We talk all through the salad course and then the entrees and we finish a bottle of wine before we start to reminisce about the past.
It's a delicate subject and it scares me a little thinking about it because despite all the fun that we had and all the ways that I thought that Noah understood me and cared about me, he’d also hurt me in a way that only your first true love who breaks your heart is capable of hurting you.
21
Dante
When I get back to the car, I call Lincoln immediately. I put the phone on a hands-free setting to make sure that no police officer has any cause to pull me over for any reason.
"It's done," I say. "Do you want me to send photographs?"
"No, I believe you. Besides, the clients will want the official confirmation from the police department and the news."
"Fine," I say, not at all surprised.
Photos can be easily faked, so can news reports and police statements, but those are harder to do.
"How are you doing?" Lincoln asks when I'm about to hang up.
I'm still using a burner phone and I'm going to get rid of it right after this phone call, so if I want to talk about this, this is really my only chance. The thing is this is the last thing I want to talk about.
"How are you feeling?" Lincoln asks.
I can feel the mild level of anxiety on the other end.
"Pissed off," I say. "I told you I was never going to do this again and yet, here we are."
"Listen, I didn't put you in this position. I wasn't the one that borrowed all that money from the trust fund."
"Yeah, but you have money and you could lend me some and I could