I’m sorry.”
“Eh, don’t be. I hardly remember him. My mom married this other guy Max about six years ago.”
“And, what, you two don’t get along?”
He sighs, sinks deeper against the pillows while staring at the ceiling. A vexed line forms on his forehead. I’m tempted to backtrack, tell him he doesn’t have to talk about it and it wasn’t my intention to pry. I can see the subject unsettles him, but he pushes on.
“He’s alright. My mom and I were living in a shitty little rental house when they met. She was working as a hairdresser sixty hours a week to take care of us. Then this slick, rich businessman comes along and whisks us out of our misery to Huntington Beach. Like I can’t even tell you how much better the air smelled. That’s the first thing I noticed.” With a self-deprecating smile, he shrugs. “Traded public school for private. Mom cut her hours then eventually quit her job. Changed our whole lives.” There’s a pause. “He’s good to her. She’s his whole world. He and I, though, we don’t connect. She was the prize; I was the stale cereal forgotten in the cupboard.”
“You’re not stale cereal,” I tell him. That any kid would grow up thinking of himself that way breaks my heart, and I wonder if this cool, laidback persona is how he’s survived the scars of feeling otherwise abandoned. “Some people aren’t good with kids, you know?”
“Yeah.” He nods, his expression wry, and we both know it’s a wound that won’t be healed with my simple platitudes.
“It’s always just been me and my mom, too,” I say, changing the subject to stave off the sour mood descending over Conor like a shadow. “I was the product of a fervid little one-night-stand.”
“Okay.” Conor’s eyes light up. He turns on his side to face me and props his head up in one hand. “Now we’re getting somewhere.”
“Oh yeah, Iris Marsh was a nerd in the streets and freak in the sheets.”
His husky laughter elicits another shiver. I need to stop being so…aware of him. It’s like my body has locked in on his frequency and now responds to his every move, every sound.
“She’s an MIT professor of nuclear science and engineering, and twenty-two years ago she met this big-shot Russian scientist at a conference in New York. They had a single romantic interlude, and then he went back to Russia and Mom went back to Cambridge. Then about six months later, she had to read about it in the Times when he died in a car accident.”
“Holy shit.” He jerks his head up. “Do you think your dad was, like, assassinated by the Russian government?”
I laugh. “What?”
“Dude, what if your dad was into some serious spy shit? And the KGB found out he was a CIA asset, so they had him whacked?”
“Whacked? I think you’re confusing your euphemisms. Mobs whack people. And I’m not sure the KGB is still a thing.”
“Sure, that’s what they want you to think.” Then his eyes go wide. “Whoa, what if you’re a Russian sleeper agent?”
He has an active imagination, I’ll give him that. But at least his mood’s improved.
“Well,” I say thoughtfully, “the way I see it, that would mean one of two things: Either by becoming self-aware I’d soon be marked for death.”
“Oh fuck.” With impressive agility, Conor leaps up from the bed and comically peers out the window before closing the blinds and turning off the light.
The two of us are now illuminated only by Rachel’s turtle nightlight and the glow of streetlamps filtering through the spaces between the blinds.
Laughing, he climbs back on the bed. “Don’t worry, babe, I got you.”
I crack a smile. “Or, second, I’d have to kill you for discovering my secret.”
“Or, or, hear me out: you take me on as your muscle and handsome sidekick and we hit the road as soldiers of fortune.”
“Hmm.” I pretend to study him, deliberating. “Tempting offer, comrade.”
“But first we should probably strip search each other to check for wires. You know, to establish trust.”
He’s adorable in an insatiable puppy sort of way. “Yeah, no.”
“You’re no fun.”
I can’t get a read on this guy. He’s sweet, charming, funny—all those sneaky qualities of men that trick us into believing we can turn them into something civilized. But at the same time bold, raw, and completely unpretentious in a way almost no one in college ever is. All of us are just stumbling through self-discovery while putting on a brave face. So