as I know that he called on you later. But your assumption at the time was mistaken: I hadn’t sent for anyone – in fact, I hadn’t yet made any arrangements at all. Why not, I hear you ask? How can I put it? It was as if I myself had just been whacked around the head by this whole business. I barely even managed to send for the caretakers. (I take it you noticed them while walking past.) A thought flashed through me then, just one, as swift as lightning. You see, Rodion Romanych, at the time I was utterly convinced. So I thought, “A bird in the hand’s worth two in the bush, and at least I’ll get what’s mine, I won’t let it go.” You see, you’re terribly irritable, Rodion Romanych, by your very nature, sir; too much so, in fact, despite all the other essential aspects of your character and heart, which I am vain enough to think I have at least partly grasped. Of course, even I, even then, could see that you can’t always expect a man just to get up and spill all the beans. Sometimes he does, especially when you’ve got him at the end of his tether, but it’s rare. Even I could see that. No, I thought, “I need something, even if it’s just some little mark, some little jot or tittle, but something you can actually get your hands on; it needs to be a thing, not mere psychology!” Which is why, I thought, if a man’s guilty, the very least you can expect from him is something substantial. You might even be entitled to count on something entirely unexpected. Your character is what I was counting on then, Rodion Romanych. Your character, sir, more than anything else! I’d really pinned my hopes on you.’
‘But why . . . ? Why do you keep talking like this, now of all times?’ Raskolnikov eventually mumbled, not even sure what he was asking. ‘What’s he going on about?’ he thought to himself in bewilderment. ‘Surely he can’t really think I’m innocent?’
‘Why am I talking like this? I came to explain myself, sir. I consider it, so to speak, my sacred duty. I want to tell you everything, the whole story of that blackout, so to speak. I’ve put you through a lot, Rodion Romanych. I’m no monster, sir. After all, even I can see what a burden all this must be for a man who’s dejected but proud, masterful and impatient – especially the last! At any rate, I consider you the noblest of men and not without signs of magnanimity, though I cannot go along with all your convictions and feel obliged to say so in advance, frankly and quite sincerely, for the last thing I wish to do is deceive you. I developed a fondness for you after we met. Perhaps you find all this rather hilarious? You have every right, sir. I know you disliked me the moment you saw me – and indeed, there’s really nothing to like me for. Think what you will, but I want to do all I can to make up for this first impression and prove that even I have a heart and a conscience. I’m being sincere, sir.’
There was a dignified pause. Raskolnikov felt a surge of a new kind of fear. The thought that Porfiry considered him innocent had suddenly begun to frighten him.
‘Going through it all from A to Z and describing how it suddenly began back then seems hardly necessary,’ Porfiry Petrovich continued. ‘In fact, it would be quite redundant. And anyway, I’m probably not up to it, sir. After all, how can this be properly explained? First there were rumours. What kind of rumours, who started them and when . . . and why, to put it bluntly, your name came up – this too, I think, is redundant. For me personally, it began quite fortuitously, from a completely fortuitous fortuity that might very easily have never happened – which? H’m, nothing to be said here either, I think. At the time, all these rumours and fortuities merged in my mind into a single thought. If you’re going to confess, you should confess everything, so I’ll be frank and say I was the first to pounce on you. The labels the old woman had scribbled on her items, say, and all the rest of it