out loud.
‘Do ya want a cup of tea? What am I saying, of course ya do. You must be knackered after travelling all the way over from England.’
I follow her down the hallway into a large, bright and sunny kitchen. Cookies must be in the oven, the place smells of heavenly chocolate and vanilla. She’s already filling up the kettle before I have a chance to tell her I’m fine.
‘How was yer flight?’
‘Fine, thanks.’ I nod. ‘It’s our first time to Ireland.’
‘You’re fecking joking me!’ she laughs, genuinely stunned.
I daren’t tell her it was our first time on an aeroplane.
‘Have yer managed to have a look around yet? I know we’re no London, but we’ve got a fair bit to offer.’
‘Oh, I’m sure its lovely.’ I nod reassuringly. ‘But we haven’t had a chance yet. Too busy trying to clear up the pub.’
‘Yeah.’ She smiles and gives a small shake of her head. ‘Poor Breda was too old to keep up with it the last couple of years. She did the best she could, God bless her.’
‘How did you know her?’ I can’t help but enquire. She seems too young to be her friend.
‘She went to school with me mammy.’
What the hell is a mammy? Does she mean Mum? I nod like I understand her.
‘They were great friends, but she passed ten years ago. God rest her soul. I don’t think Breda ever got over it really.’
‘And she never married?’ I can’t help but ask.
‘No. Breda always said she’d be happier on her own rather than settling for someone.’
She sounds like a bad arse feminist.
‘Well...’ I look around awkwardly. ‘We didn’t actually realise that we were also inheriting a pet. What kind of pet is it?’
Please don’t say cat. Please don’t say cat.
Her eyes widen comically. ‘You mean ya don’t know? Oh, Jesus. You’re in for a shock, a grá .’
What does a gra mean? And what the hell is she going to present me with? A lizard? Oh god, what if it’s a snake? I’ve heard they start to stretch themselves bigger so they can eat you while you sleep. Not that I’d ever consider letting it out of its cage. I shudder, knowing that I’ve just stored a future nightmare.
‘It’s not a...’ I swallow down the fear clutching at my quivering throat. ‘A snake is it?’
A smile explodes onto her face and she throws her head back, cackling a deep laugh.
‘Oh god, no! Can yer even imagine?’ She slaps her knee as if it’s the funniest thing she’s ever heard. ‘It’s probably just easier if I show you.’ She disappears from the room before I have a chance to question her further.
This is getting weirder by the second. I hear her heels click down the hall and then click back. Ok, its clearly just a dog or a cat. I’m totally over-reacting and reading all of the signs wrong.
‘Here she is.’
I turn round to see her holding a black and white creature with a small face and big bushy tail. That’s a weird looking cat. Wait. I move closer and see its tiny claws. That’s not... it can’t be... can it?
‘This is Suki the skunk.’
It is. It’s a fucking skunk. How the fuck can this woman be expecting me to take a skunk? They belong in the wild!
‘A skunk?’ I repeat, my voice high pitched, the horror hard to hide. ‘What the hell am I going to do with a skunk?’
‘Oh little Suki here is lovely,’ she coos down at her, adoringly. ‘Don’t you worry about that.’
I jump away from them. ‘I don’t care if she can sing like Diana-fucking-Ross! Skunks belong out in the wild. I don’t want a disgusting skunk squirting its bloody stinky juice all over the place. I’m trying to get people in the pub, not scare them away.’
‘Calm yer boots, lady.’ She chuckles. ‘Suki here has had her anal scent glands removed, she’s no problem as a family pet.’
‘But... why? Why on earth would my great aunt Breda want a skunk?’
She smiles fondly down at it. ‘This skunk used to visit her every day at the pub and try to get in. She soon gave in and took her to a vet so she could have her glands removed. You’ll find she makes a lovely pet.’
I scoff. ‘I bloody won’t! I’m releasing it back into the wild. It can just go fend for itself.’
‘No, you can’t,’ she says, her eyes creasing with concern. ‘You don’t understand. Without her scent glands to protect her