do it.”
“I want the same thing I’ve always wanted—for you to be happy and to lead a fulfilling life.”
I do not like hearing those words in that order from her mouth. I associate them with patronizing. “I have already explained that I want you to be happy. I would prefer if we could continue being happy together.”
She sighs. She smiles. She steps forward and rubs my arm in a particularly soothing motion that somehow irritates me. My medication will not take effect for another twenty-eight minutes at least. I have the good sense to be aware of that fact, so I do not speak in ways that I will regret later.
“Ollie, I want to ask you some really hard questions, but I don’t want you to answer right away. I’d like you to take the rest of the day to think about them very carefully.”
That seems like a wise idea, considering how far off schedule I am. “I will. Ask away.”
The corner of her mouth pulls up. “Do you want a baby?”
“Yes,” I blurt.
She places her hand over my mouth. “Think the rest of the day. Answer later.”
I nod and resist the urge to kiss her fingers. She clearly wants me to consider these things carefully. I always give Liv my full consideration.
“You can give me a baby, and I’m honored to receive that gift. That doesn’t mean you want a baby. Any child we conceive together will be your mother’s grandchild. I would never stand in the way of that. But, Ollie. Babies are loud. Sometimes they smell bad. They’re unpredictable. They don’t have set schedules. In fact, their schedules change quite often as they grow. They grow rapidly in the first few years. If you want to be a father to a child we might conceive together, I welcome that. I’m just not sure how thoroughly you’ve thought this plan through.”
Just as I first suspected. She has been patronizing me all this time. “I have accounted for all those factors. Many men father many children, and they are not so concerned with rearing them. I want to have a child. I want to be a father, not just a sperm donor. If you are doubting our arrangement, then perhaps it is you who needs to think for the rest of the day instead of me.”
She sighs, a deep heavy sound that weighs against my skin. “Maybe you’re right. Ollie?”
“What?” In spite of trying to control myself without the aid of medication, I snap the word into the space between us. She is so close, yet she feels unattainably far.
“I’d like you to also think about what expectations you have for the mother of your child. Just like our definitions of the meaning of sex differ, this might be another area that we assign mutually exclusive values. I would like to have a family if I’m not utilizing an anonymous sperm clinic. I want a father, mother, and child to live in the same household and share love between them that is not dependent upon the physical pleasure of sex.”
I feel my face crinkling with displeasure that I cannot conceal. “A parent and child should never engage in sex. That is reprehensible, and I one-hundred percent do not share your definition of love.”
Her face disappears when she angles it toward the floor. Four point three seconds of silence occur before she returns her gaze to me. Her expression is…expressionless. “You’re absolutely right. I misspoke. I also do not believe a sexual relationship between parent and child is ever appropriate. What I meant is a definition of love between parents that is dependent upon sex.”
I breathe a sigh of relief. I love Liv, but not enough to participate in those types of immoral relations. “I am glad we agree on that definition.”
She smiles. This one feels genuine. “Me, too. So, I want you to really think for the rest of the day about what your definition of a family is. I want you to think about what your definition of a life partner is. That doesn’t have to mean a woman you marry and make your wife. For example, do you imagine impregnating me then continuing to date other women after your fatherhood is assured? A mother who’s just had a baby can’t have sex for several weeks while her body recovers from the trauma of birth. You clearly have physical needs that must be met during that time. A newborn baby cries often, sleeps very little during the night,