my face into my palms as I wish I could make this decision and feel good about whatever I decide.
“Is everything okay?”
Lowering my hands, I see Sadie standing with a paperback copy of Hamlet pressed to her chest. She looks beyond concerned.
“Not really.” I don’t even have the energy to lie.
“Want to talk about it?” There is so much knowledge behind Sadie’s youthful eyes that it saddens me.
“I wouldn’t want to bore you.” She smiles, pulling up a chair beside mine, indicating she’s listening.
Clearing my throat, I tap at the computer screen. Clue number one.
Sadie leans forward and reads the heading, her intelligent eyes widening. She spins to look at me, not hiding her surprise. “This is what you have?”
I nod.
She continues reading, scrolling through the article. When she gets to the end, she exhales, appearing to process everything she just read. I know it’s a lot to take in, and I shouldn’t have burdened her with it. I’m supposed to be her support unit, after all.
“You have to do it,” she says in a small whisper. A command such as this, coming from such a tiny creature, makes me feel obliged to obey.
“I’m thinking about it,” I reveal, reaching for my coffee cup. Looking inside it, I’m disappointed that it’s empty.
“Thinking about it? What’s there to think about?” Her question isn’t malicious or accusing; it’s simply honest.
“Remember Georgia?” She nods quickly. “I feel so…undeserving to have this opportunity when she never got the chance. Both our trial results were positive, which means I’m in with half a shot of this drug working for me. It’s slim, but it’s not hopeless.”
“I don’t understand then. Why wouldn’t you try it?”
“Because Georgia had hope and look at what happened to her. I had hope once, and it sucked the life from me. I’m afraid that if I participate in this trial and get my hopes up, it won’t work.” Expressing my weaknesses and fears aloud is a hard thing to do, but I want to tell Sadie the truth.
She rolls her chair forward so our knees touch. “It’s okay to be frightened. I think it’s better to be scared because you’ll do everything not to feel that way again. And I think it’s better to be scared while trying instead of being scared of trying.”
Is this kid for real?
I couldn’t have said it better myself.
Unable to stop myself, I lean forward and hug her with all my might. She is smaller than she looks, which only has me squeezing harder, wanting to protect her with my life.
When put so simply, Sadie is right. Better I die fighting than die without a fight.
Life wouldn’t be what it is without fear because fear pushes us to beat our demons and transform those weaknesses into strengths. Georgia teaches me that every day. She may not be here, but her memory lives on, reminding me to fight for what I believe in and love.
“I owe you at least a gallon of Ben & Jerry’s.”
She giggles into my shoulder, never letting go.
She has no siblings, so she knows what it’s like to be alone. “Remember how I told you Georgia was my sister?”
“Yes, I remember,” she whispers, wrapping her arms tighter around my neck and snuggling close.
“Well, she was older than I was. I’ve always wanted to be an older sister. Maybe, if it’s okay with you, I could be yours?”
She freezes in my arms, her tiny frame going rigid. Just when I think I’ve said the wrong thing, she nods. “I’d like that…a lot.” Her voice is heavy with approaching tears. She toys with her locket. “My grandma gave this to me. She said I was to fill it with a picture of something or someone I love.”
I nod, giving her my complete attention.
It takes three attempts before her trembling fingers can open the clasp. When she does, my heart breaks. It’s empty. It appears we’re two birds of a feather.
“Welcome to the family, Sadie. Our family.” I know how much that means to someone who hasn’t heard it before.
We continue to hug, Sadie never letting go, but that’s okay because I owe her a million hugs and so much more.
It’s now 12:35 a.m., and I’m wide-awake, pondering everything from the mysteries of life to whether I want a grilled cheese or not. Kicking off the covers, I decide to take a walk to clear my head and settle my churning stomach.
Slipping into a peacock-colored summer dress and Chucks, I close my door quietly and tiptoe