listening, though. The clenching of his jaw gives him away.
“So, maybe, I…” I lick my lips nervously. “I want to do more research, but I’m not completely against rethinking my decision.”
Roman’s holler makes me jolt, as I wasn’t expecting that response. Someone just scored a touchdown.
“Are you even listening to me?” I try to keep the bite from my tone but can’t. “This is what you wanted, right?”
With the slowest of movements, he turns to face me while I hold my breath. I have no idea what he’s thinking, which is nothing new. I wish he’d say something, anything really, because I suddenly feel stupid for putting my heart on the line.
“No, Lola, this isn’t about what I want. It’s about what you should want.” His reply denotes he’s been listening all along. He knows how I react when backed into a corner, so this is his way of not smothering me with his beliefs. “Only you can make this decision. I can be here for you, but I can’t make a choice for you. That’s what free will is all about.”
He’s right. I want someone to blame if things go wrong, but if I do this and things don’t change, then I have no one to blame but myself, and that’s scary beyond words.
“Do you r-really think I’m brave?” I whisper, baring my vulnerability.
I’ve caught him off guard. He blinks once before sighing. He appears to weigh his response, but the reply he gives has me mewling. A strand of hair, which is stuck to my lip gloss, is swept away by his gentle touch. I freeze, unable to mask my surprise and also, my yearning.
Closing the distance between us, he bathes my cheeks with his warm, sweet breath. “I think you’re beyond brave. I think you’re a truly remarkable woman who has no idea what she’s capable of.”
My lips tremble because his finger still rests at the crease of my mouth. If I move an inch, my lips will feel and taste that finger, but I can’t. I won’t. So instead, I remain motionless, amazed at how a single touch can produce an array of emotions.
“I wish I had your strength,” he reveals in a hushed tone. He’s returning the favor by showing his vulnerability. It’s beautiful.
Biting my lip, I hope I don’t overstep a line when I confess, “You’re th-the strongest person I know.” My words draw his finger deeper toward the cavern of my mouth, and my eyes widen when he brushes over the corner seam. The simple touch pulsates throughout my entire body.
“Thank you. But if only that were true.” I instantly miss his touch when he drops his hand, disheartened.
His comment reminds me of what I found hidden in his drawer. I want to tell him that it doesn’t imply weakness; it signifies strength that he sought out the help to better his situation. But I can’t without giving myself away.
Roman clears his throat, and the moment is over.
I want to say so many things to him like it’s okay to be vulnerable, but I don’t. I simply smile, hoping he can read between the lines.
He does. “I’ll see you later. Maybe we can finish our discussion in my office when you’re free?”
“Maybe,” I reply because I haven’t made a choice either way.
Although my response wasn’t exactly positive, it wasn’t negative either. I’m on the fence, which is a big deal, considering I was on a fence…in Antarctica a few days ago. Roman’s smirk has me inching closer and closer to one side. How long until the scales tip, and I decide?
Seven cups of coffee later, I’m seeing double. I skipped dinner because I’m determined to gather as much information as I can before I decide my fate.
So far, the odds are stacked in the drugs’ favor. The research I’ve done all details the same findings. The trials have shown some fantastic results, so why am I not jumping for joy? The reason sits scrunched up in my fist.
Georgia’s bandana is like my stress ball. It alleviates the stress when I think I’m moments away from having a breakdown, which happens every thirty seconds.
Every time I read about something positive, Georgia’s face flashes before me, and a blanket of guilt is thrown over me. Why wasn’t this available when Georgia was alive? Both our results showed great promise, and I know this would have saved her life. But it didn’t. On the other hand, it’s here now, and it can save mine.
Groaning, I drop