my phone hidden. Ava looks over at me curiously.
“James Dean?” she mouths, pointing toward the screen.
“Ladies, phones away or they will be confiscated.” Ms. Galloway stops writing on the board and crosses her arms. “And the sprinklers are on right now in the field, so you really don’t want your property out there.”
I throw the phone into my backpack, looking back at her with perfect innocence.
It turns out it’s fun sharing a secret with Andrew. It feels like it did when we were kids and used to organize secret missions against our parents. Mission: Steal a piece of cake out of the fridge without getting caught. Mission: Crawl under Mom’s desk while she’s on the phone and steal one of her shoes. Mission: Take Keely’s virginity.
I haven’t told Hannah yet about the Plan—which has become such a monumental deal in my panicking brain I’ve started thinking of it with a capital letter—and I’m not sure I will. A part of me likes the fact it’s just between Andrew and me. It’s our secret. And even though it was Hannah’s idea to begin with, I’m a little embarrassed to tell her that I’ve decided to go through with it. That I’m too scared to tell Dean the truth.
I’ve gone a little wild with the research. I want to make sure we’re extra careful—I’ve seen enough stupid reality shows about teen pregnancy to know it’s a bad idea. I’m curious about sex tips too. I know the internet is exploding with information, but I don’t know how to find any of those websites, and I’m terrified that if I look up porn on my phone, my parents will see it on the bill. Do they list websites you look at on the phone bill? I think about googling it to be sure, but what if they list that on the bill too?
I decide that books are safe. Books are full of useful information, and they can’t be too graphic if someone decided to print them and put them in a bookstore where even grandmas and kids can see them. I pick up three, paying cash just in case: a huge textbook called Sexual Bodies Explained, an illustrated guide called The Art of Love—which features a cartoon couple engaged in hundreds of different freaky positions—and Wings of Passion, a paperback romance novel I grab at the last second, hoping it might give me emotional insight.
I start reading The Art of Love late at night under the covers, trying to learn as much as I can. There are chapters on kissing I’m dying to try out with Dean, and heat floods through me as I look at the illustrations and imagine they’re the two of us instead of the cartoon people.
By the time the Plan is done, I’m going to be a bona fide sexpert, and James Dean won’t know what hit him. So I know I’m doing the right thing. I have to be.
NINETEEN
FRIDAY NIGHT IS here way too fast and I haven’t had enough time to research. I haven’t even started Wings of Passion, and suddenly I’m in Andrew’s kitchen and the Plan is about to actually happen. I might throw up.
There’s a plate of crackers and hummus in front of us on the counter, but I can barely touch it.
“Are you sure you guys don’t want to come?” his mom asks, fastening an earring. They’re about to leave for the symphony, which is about an hour away in Burlington, so they’ll be gone for most of the night. “We could probably get some extra tickets. Rob is friends with the first violinist.”
“No, you guys go.” Andrew pops a cracker into his mouth.
This is the least I’ve ever felt like eating in my life.
I’ve brought my backpack with me, and inside are the educational sex books and a bunch of condoms I grabbed from the nurse’s office in school when no one was looking. I had to fake a stomachache to get close enough to the counter. Now I can feel the weight of the books against my back.
“We’ll just stay here,” I say, my voice coming out squeaky. Andrew gives me a look. I know I’m acting suspicious, and we need our parents to leave. I