the eyes.
“I promise,” I say, which isn’t a real answer.
“Didn’t realize you were so into playing games,” he says with a laugh.
“I’m not playing games.” I feel a prickling sensation in the bridge of my nose like I might be about to cry. He tilts his head to the side, studying me.
“Are you a virgin?”
My breath catches in my throat. His voice is low and I can’t read his tone, can’t tell how seriously he’s taking the question, which way he wants me to answer.
“I’m not,” I say, the words rushing out of me before I can stop them. “I swear. I really have a history test tomorrow.”
He smiles. “Good.”
Then he kisses me again and pulls away.
All I can think about is the stupid lie I just told. Now I’m stuck with it. There’s no backtracking from this. I’ll just have to pretend I know what I’m doing, and hopefully I’ll have enough natural talent that Dean won’t suspect me. I’m such an idiot.
“I lied to Dean about being a virgin,” I say to Hannah the next day, pulling her into the bathroom at school the moment I see her, the handicapped single stall on the first floor so I know we’re alone.
“What?” she asks, her eyes bulging.
“I didn’t mean to. It just came out before I had a chance to think about it, and then I’d already said it so I couldn’t take it back.”
“Slow down,” she says, putting her hands on my shoulders as if the weight of them will hold me down to earth. “What did you say?”
“He asked me if I was a virgin. I was put on the spot.”
“You should have told him the truth,” she says. “If you’re contemplating having sex with someone, you should be able to be honest. If you can’t be honest, then you’re not ready.”
Easy for her to say. She can look at the problem from a distance and act rationally. But when I’m around Dean, nothing feels easy or rational—my head is a mess.
“I know,” I snap at her, and then I feel bad. She’s just trying to help.
“Not everything Danielle says is right.” Her voice is soft. “I get that she told you Dean wouldn’t like you anymore if he found out, but that’s not necessarily true. If he likes you, he’ll wait.”
“When I lied to him, he seemed so relieved,” I say, looking up at her and then covering my face with my hands.
“He’ll understand if you tell him you lied,” she says. “And if he doesn’t understand, is that really someone you want to be with?”
“Yes!” I say, pulling my hands away. “I like him so much. He’s smart, and interesting, and way too cool for me, and I just don’t want to mess this up. You don’t get it, because it’s always been easy for you. You’ve always had guys who liked you. If you stop being interested in someone, it doesn’t matter, because you have a million other guys who can step up and take their place. That doesn’t happen with me. This is my only chance.”
Hannah’s chewing on her bottom lip as she studies me. “Do you really think that?”
“I don’t know why Dean likes me in the first place,” I say. “It’s like this crazy fluke and that’s why I don’t want to ruin it.”
“Do you really think it’s been so easy for me?” Hannah brings her hand up to fiddle with the skin on her collarbone, the place where her necklace used to lie. “Do you think Charlie was easy?”
“That’s not what I meant.” I realize I’m kind of going off the rails—this whole situation has made me a bit crazy. “Of course Charlie wasn’t easy.”
“What are you going to do?” she asks, her eyes softening.
I can’t give her an answer. I don’t have one.
FIFTEEN
ANDREW AND CECILIA are slowly making me want to gouge my eyes out with my fork. We’re sitting in study hall together and she’s feeding him—actually feeding him—making airplane noises with her spoon as she brings