this point—two days? Three?—but I was past the point of caring. Each day was just another scar on my soul, another tally mark against what was supposed to have been my dream future. Two mates, my brothers, and eventual children at my side. Even when I hadn’t wanted to let myself dream, I had.
“Two months, sweetheart.” I stared at the ceiling, murmuring the words to myself, half delirious from the lack of sleep and the caffeine I’d been using in its place. I couldn’t sleep. If I slept, I dreamed. If I dreamed… “Do you know how many strikes you’ve added up?” The memory pierced through me. My Kitsune screamed his pain inside my head, curling himself under his tails. I hadn’t shifted since her death—he had retreated deep inside of me, away from the agony of our loss.
My computer dinged again, and I wiped at the tears blurring my eyes. I knew what the messages were, what they all were really. Outpourings of grief and hope from those who had been with us in the rebellion were frequent, but most of what I dealt with now were those who were still on the fence about the new standards of life. Shifters testing the water, wanting to seek out alliances or challenge us to see if things were going to go back to the way they were, all with their own agendas. I’d been forced to hide my pain behind a political mask, the ambassador’s smile I had been taught from the cradle, but every day that passed seemed to crack that facade just a little more.
I needed my brothers, needed Ryder, yet here I sat alone yet again, the bond that had been our lifeline for a decade as dead as my mate. I had reached for Ryder after the battle, and for a moment, just one, we had poured our grief into each other’s arms, but the guilt was too much to bear. I loved Ryder, but feeling that when Nix wasn’t beside us tore at that emotion, the guilt eating away at us until we couldn’t even handle being in the same room as each other. How could I still feel love with one of my mates dead? How could I feel attraction when I would never have Nix’s taste on my lips again? How could I justify seeking comfort in Ryder’s arms or bed when there was no comfort for Nix, merely a fiery final death when we had promised her forever?
The tears cascaded down my cheeks now, dripping into my coffee even as I mindlessly drank it. I couldn’t sleep, couldn’t risk it. One of two things happened when I slept—I watched Nix die again and woke up screaming my pain to my empty bedroom, or I held her in my arms, swearing to protect her, only to wake up cold and alone, feeling my heart torn from my chest all over again. No, sleep wasn’t an option.
I’d do my duty to our people, help them settle into the new life Nix had sacrificed herself for, and hope that maybe someday I’d be able to sleep again, breathe again, live again. She had died to save us, to give us the chance to be a family, and we had failed her even in that.
If only she had never come to us, never met us… My Kitsune let out a mournful screech. She’d still be alive, I thought stubbornly, fighting the pain shredding my insides. I wouldn’t have her, but her heart would still be beating. Her soul would still be in this world.
“Damn you, Nix.” My shoulders shook with sobs as I leaned back against the wall. “You were supposed to let us protect you. You always came back to us. Why did you have to stop?” I hurled my coffee mug against the wall, heedless of the shattered pieces as they flew back at me, scratching at my skin, the dull throb of my blood leaving my body only a nagging sensation in my mind.
“I’m sorry, sweetheart.” So much sorrow poured into those words as I turned back to my desk, my chest tearing open with the pain. I was sorry for not protecting her from being found. For not saving her from any of the deaths she’d suffered under our care. I was sorry for failing her even now, as I turned away from the comfort I needed, closing myself off from our family. Work was all I had to give her now,