you?" Jenny said, almost dreamily, her head halfway sunk into a voluminous feather pillow.
"I am."
"You're skirting around it, really."
I took a deep breath, fidgeting in the chair. My left arm was starting to ache, since I'd shoved into my jacket for a while now, and my elbow needed to stretch. I finally pulled out the stump and massaged my elbow and shoulder, bringing back the circulation. My cuff mostly covered the stump, but the skin was shiny and mottled with scar tissue.
The feelings of shame and inferiority were already familiar to me. I didn't have to be crippled to know.
But as Jenny hung on my every word, her eyes gentle and free of any trace of disdain, I started to feel safer.
"Jenny," I whispered. "When I went to school, I realized that I was a born loser."
"What!" she scoffed.
"Well, I did realize it early on, and I wasn't about to succumb to it. I knew nothing would come easily to me. I wasn't a particularly attractive kid, or a strong one. I didn't have royal blood like my cousins."
"I bet you were smart."
"Smarts are useless in the game of life, on their own. You have to throw in determination and craftiness."
"So that's what you did?"
"Yes, but that's where all the trouble started. Once I realized that I'd have to fight hard for success, it never stopped. I did anything I could to get higher and higher, and any cruelty seemed like it was just necessary, the way we have to kill to eat or chop down trees to build a house. If I thought something was wrong, I just learned to shut out my feelings and get it done. Eventually I thought that I was responsible, in part, just for keeping the magical world safe, and nothing else mattered."
"I think Bernard is telling himself that same thing," Jenny said. "But maybe you do keep it safe, too."
"Are you actually giving me justification?"
"Well, I can't believe Bernard is all bad. I know what's in his heart too well. And I bet your parents were really hard on you. Your voice tightens up when you mention them."
"Of course they were hard on their only child..." I gave my head a brisk shake. "No, I won't blame them for it. My ambitions exceeded their expectations. That's on me. But if I went back in time, to talk to my younger self, I don't know what I'd tell him instead. I wasn't about to just...get kicked around."
"But you do have regret and I'm here to listen to them," she said. "So what's the worst of them?"
"The worst...is my years of cruelty to Chester. I saw him as the weak side of myself, and I punished him for it. His animal form is a sugar glider--kind of a cute, ridiculous little thing, if you've never seen one. Everyone always said your familiar reflects who you really are. There was no way of hiding it. Whether in animal form or human form, he made me look weak. I felt that I had to reject him. Of course, I've done other things, but I know Chester actually loved me as you probably still love Bernard. My cousins, and their friends--I shouldn't have hurt them like I did, but in the end, the hell with 'em. They always cut me out and treated me like I wasn't as good as them. Kids are cruel. They weren't stupid either. They could see I was useless and unattractive and not a royal either."
"You're not unattractive, and not useless at all!” Jenny said, like it was just a fact. "I thought you and Helena looked a lot alike!"
I snorted. "You're too kind. Especially now. If I ever had any hope of being attractive, it's definitely out the window. I will never marry. I'm not joking about the monastery."
"Well, it sounds like a monastery might be good for your soul...," Jenny said. "On the other hand, you're being a little silly. I'm sure someone could marry you, if you weren't too standoffish. I mean, Mr. Rochester wasn't supposed to be attractive, and--oh! Oh!" She suddenly just grabbed my maimed arm like she was actually excited. "Have you ever read that book, Piers? Because at the end, Mr. Rochester has lost his hand and his face is scarred, and he's pretty moody too!"
"Are you saying that because a character in a book found love despite all his mistakes and hardships, that I'll just waltz right into it myself?" My skin burned where she