isn’t helping. It makes my nightmares worse. It keeps me stuck in the past. I’m telling Clint that I’m taking it, but the truth is, I haven’t for weeks. I do not want to burden him with the fact that my medication only lets me keep the bad memories inside my head. It’s like all my life has been nothing but bad memories, and maybe it’s the truth. But I cannot relive the past over and over again.
My darling girl, I have so many regrets. Too many to count. One of them is not being able to experience the joy of seeing you grow up to become the wonderful woman I know you are now. To graduate. To fall in love. To start a family. Maybe even meet your half-brother.
I’m sorry that I cannot help myself, make a small change, no matter how hard, just for you. I’m sorry that I have to do what I’m about to do. I’m sorry that I have to leave you.
In spite of my weakness, I can tell you in all honesty that I’m proud of you as my child. I’ve always felt blessed to have you. You grew up so fast. Too fast. When I look at you, I see your father. You’re just as beautiful. But everything you have, everything you are, is because of me, your mother. Don’t cry as you read this letter. I have made peace with my life. I made peace a long time ago and have accepted things as they are.
Both the past and the future.
Even though I’m not with you right now, even though I cannot hold you and kiss you, please know that my heart will always be with you. Always. You’re my precious daughter. Ever since the day you were born, I promised to you I would do anything to protect you, to make sure they would not take you away from me, too.
When you read this letter, I know that my life has passed and that my wishes were fulfilled. I went to great lengths to make sure that they were, so when you read this, I know my duty as your mother was well done and that I can be proud of you, of myself, of everything we are.
The past might hold us, capture us, separate us in our minds, but these words will remain. And so will your presence and your future…it’s all within our control. Do not focus on the past. Remember me for the smiles we gifted each other and the moments we shared. I love you. Nothing can stop me from loving you no matter where I am. Even though our time together was short, I’m grateful for the moments we had. When you miss me, you’ll find me in your blood, in the beat of your heart, in the fact that I gave life to you.
Remember me for who I was.
Your mother
Chapter 24
“Surprise,” Jude yelled the moment I opened the door to our apartment. Behind her were a few of my college friends, neighbors and other people I knew holding a banner that read ‘Welcome home’. A huge chocolate cake with the inscription ‘Happy Belated Birthday’ beckoned to me from a table set up in the corner.
“Oh, my God, Jude,” I mumbled as she dashed for me with a shriek. Her arms went around me, pressing me to her chest so hard I had no choice but to drop my suitcases and give in.
I closed my eyes. Tears gathered in my eyes as her familiar scent hit my nostrils. In spite of her overprotectiveness and her tendency to make my business her own, she was the most amazing friend anyone could have.
“Welcome home, Laurie.” Alice, Jude’s sister, drew me in into a tight hug, too. “Jude’s told us everything about your disaster.”
“And by disaster you mean…” I shot Jude a glare.
“Chase,” Alice replied.
‘You told her?” I asked Jude.
“Not just her. She told us all,” someone from the crowd. It was Janice, our neighbor. I frowned as I stared at all the familiar faces.
Did Jude invite the whole neighborhood?
My gaze swept over the crowd to take everyone in. Half of them were unfamiliar faces. But then was it really such a surprise?
Jude had always proclaimed that I deserved a big party for my twenty third birthday, not least to celebrate the fact that I’d receive my mother’s letters. I never believed her because I never thought it’d happen, but she had been right. She had made it happen.
I