held onto her for a moment longer, then tried to shift his weight, but she gripped him. “No.”
Lifting a thick strand of hair from her damp neck, he tipped his head and kissed her shoulder. “I’m too heavy.”
Her chest rising on a deep, unsteady breath, she loosened her hold and cupped the back of his head. “I don’t care.”
He chuckled. “Well, I don’t want to crush you.”
Anna tightened her hold and shook her head. Not particularly hot on the idea himself, Dodger hugged her, then adjusted his hold. “Hang on then, babe. We’ll give this a go.”
It took a bit of effort and some undignified grunting, but he finally moved them onto their sides and rolled her up in his arms. She was still hanging onto him with her face buried against his neck, but he could feel her smiling. He rubbed one hand across her bare hip, nestling her closer.
“What?” he asked.
She turned her head, kissing him just below his ear. “That was pretty good. Not only did you stay glued to me, but I could feel every muscle you have bunch and flex. God bless the Navy. You are quite a resourceful SEAL. Did I mention I was a big, big fan of pull ups?”
Settling into a more comfortable position, he slid his hand down her back. He rested his head against her, a soft smile surfacing. “You like that, yeah?”
“Yep. A lot, Ducky.”
He grinned at the nickname. “Maybe the next time I do pull ups, you can hang onto to me for extra ballast.”
She lazily stroked the back of his neck. “Did you just call me heavy?”
His smile deepened, and he stroked her hip again, then kissed the curve of her jaw. “It would be like lifting a feather,” he whispered against her skin.
He smoothed his hand across her toned back, then gave her a little squeeze. “Was it everything you thought it would be?” he asked gruffly.
She released a long sigh. “More,” she murmured.
Closing his eyes, he slowly rubbed her back, a deep tranquilizing contentment spreading through him. He didn’t want to think about anything right now. Not about the mission, not about Max, not about crossing the line. He just wanted to get his fill of holding her.
Dodger smiled to himself when, moments later, he felt her go slack in his arms, and her breathing became slow and even. He reached down and pulled the covers over their cooling bodies. His throat suddenly tight, he gathered her hair and pulled it free, then slipped his arm around her back. He rested his head against hers, wishing he knew how to say all the things that needed to be said. The dark secrets he kept.
For the first time since he’d lived those dark secrets, he wanted to tell someone else about them.
He wanted to tell Anna.
He didn’t want her pity. God, he didn’t want that. He wanted her understanding, but there was that fear again, double-sided and sharp. She knew him in a completely different context from those days when he’d been nothing but a mercenary.
His gut clenched and his face burned from what he had done, the shame enfolding him in a deep, black water. He swallowed against the memories.
He’d been so, so lost.
For the first six months, he’d wallowed in anger, blaming Hermione for the mess he’d made of his life. But as he worked through that explosive buildup of anger and resentment, he started connecting with other feelings and began to see things from a different perspective.
He had been the one who screwed up his life. He had to own it.
And, he had. Putting that all behind him. Even now, it felt like a completely different man who’d done those questionable things.
He slipped his fingers through her silky damp hair. The lingering scent of shampoo wafted to him, and Dodger closed his eyes, tenderness gripping him. His past needed to be purged, but could he release his burdens on Anna? How would she react to the confession? He felt boxed in from all sides—his conscience, his need for Anna, his past, the brotherhood, his promise to Max, and hard, cold reality.
Something would have to give. He hoped like hell it wouldn’t be his heart.
11
Anna basked in utter contentment and the replenishing magic of getting a good amount of much needed rest as she emerged from a deep sleep. She had been running on a completely empty tank. She shivered a bit, reality intruding as she remembered that skinny lab rat and the needle