with who she was or with her life, and was secretly thrilled to grab at an entirely new self—a heroine? Or was it only the pride Allie had believed it to be?
Dear God, Allie thought, I hope that was it.
Could her parents’ marriage have been in trouble already, before her mother stayed late at work that day and overheard the conversation that shattered their lives? It struck Allie now that her father had never talked to her and her brother, not apart from their mother, about what was going to happen to all of them. He was there, sometimes, but stayed quiet, letting his wife take the lead and explain. He’d never talk about it later, either. What did he think about how Mom changed?
Maybe I never really knew either of them.
Maybe her mother had never shared the disorientation the rest of them felt, or even the grief.
It was weird how memories could cascade. Suddenly she remembered how when they were at Nanna’s she’d often hear sharp voices from the kitchen. Nanna had loved traditions, but Mom thought they were ridiculous. Allie discovered now that she’d captured a picture of Nanna’s expression as she watched her daughter. It had been so very sad.
Mom, Allie remembered, hadn’t liked Nanna’s tatted snowflakes at all and had put them on the Christmas tree after a snapped “Oh, I suppose her feelings would be hurt if we didn’t.”
Allie had grieved when they left, knowing she’d never again see this grandmother, whom she loved so much. But Mom hadn’t actually liked her own mother that much.
Not more than a minute had passed. Allie’s mother watched her with distress and a lot of other emotions Allie couldn’t read at all. Not that long ago, she would have been blithely certain she knew what her mother thought and felt. But I was wrong. So wrong, she thought, dazed.
Or...maybe I’m wrong now.
How was she supposed to know?
This was her mother, she reminded herself. Her one certainty. The only person whose love she knew was unshakable. That much was true, even if a whole lot else she’d always believed wasn’t.
Maybe she hadn’t explained herself very well.
“Mom, you met Nolan. Does he seem like someone who’d be untrustworthy?”
“That’s not the point. It’s not that he’d deliberately set out to give away what you told him. But you know how easily it could happen. He lives with a teenager. Sean could overhear a few words and tell his friends. Or put it up on Facebook. Or one of them might. The world isn’t as small as it used to be.”
That was true, of course. And I already told Sean something I shouldn’t.
A something that wasn’t very important, because it was about Laura Nelson, not Chloe Marr. And, although the U.S. Marshals had worried that someone might be close to uncovering their identity, that hadn’t really happened. Obviously, Dad and Jason were fine. They still lived openly in Tulsa, and no one had stuck a gun to Dad’s head and demanded to know where his wife had gone. Hastily relocating Mom and Allie might not have been necessary at all.
Mom, she thought, feeling sick, had almost seemed excited again. As if the fact that she might be in danger made her feel important.
Horrified at herself, Allie wanted to take back her speculation. She knew her mother better than that! She’d been devastated when Jason decided to stay behind, too. She had held Allie and cried. “What would I ever do without you?” she’d whispered.
What if I said now, “Mom, do you ever think maybe you’re not that important? Do you really think anybody still searches the internet for clues to where you are? After fifteen years?”
But she knew she couldn’t say any of that.
“Mom, I think this is something I need to do,” she said instead, voice quivering.
Her mother’s face spasmed. “And I’m begging you not to. I think I deserve enough of your loyalty to ask that much.”
Allie felt herself go numb inside. However much her foundations had shifted, she did love her mother. The realization that she couldn’t choose Nolan over Mom would leave her desolate if she let it.
She stood up. “All right. You win. I’ll try—” Her throat closed up. She absolutely could not finish. Could not say, I’ll try to believe he and I can be happy with me lying to him constantly. Could not say, I’ll try to believe I can be a complete person despite the fact that the first seventeen years of my life