mother’s eyes dilated with shock. “You can’t! You know you can’t.”
“I love him.” Allie crossed her arms, all but hugging herself. “I can’t keep lying like this. I can’t.”
Her mother shuddered. “I don’t understand what’s happening to you. You know the risks. We’ve all known from the beginning that we have to live the lives we’ve been given. It’s foolish and dangerous to try to reclaim any part of what we left behind.
“You’ve spent your entire adult life as Allie Wright. That is who you are! There is absolutely no reason Nolan ever has to know that a long time ago you had a different name.”
“Two different names.”
“Two,” Mom agreed. Her voice was gaining strength. She’s regaining her confidence she can wear me down, Allie realized. “You’re the same person inside, sweetheart. That’s who he loves. If he does.”
Allie stared at her. “You think he doesn’t? Is that what you’re saying?”
“Of course not! How would I know? Has he told you he loves you? Has he asked you to marry him? Is that what set this off?”
“No, he hasn’t asked. But what if he does, Mom? Am I really going to marry a man who believes all kinds of untruths about me? How could I raise children to be honest if I’m a big fat liar?”
“You’re getting hysterical.” Mom stepped forward to put an arm around her.
Allie lurched back. “What is it you think Nolan will do? Put in a call to the Moretti family and ask whether it’s true that Joanna Marr used to work for them, only she testified in court against one of their enforcers, and, oh, by the way, she lives in Washington State now under the name Cheryl Wright?”
“Why don’t we walk outside and be sure the neighbors can hear,” her mother said furiously. “Is that what you want?”
“No!” Allie yelled. “What I want is to tell the truth to one man. I want him to know me. Why is that too much to ask?”
Her mother stared at her without saying anything for a long time. She seemed to have aged ten years in the past ten minutes. “You’re the one person in the world I’ve always been able to depend on,” she said finally, her bewilderment obvious. “I never dreamed...” She broke off.
Allie’s sinuses felt hot. Her mother saw this as a betrayal. Was it? Something hurt in her couldn’t let go, though. “Did you assume I’d never marry? That you’d never have to worry about me wanting to...to trust someone else this much?”
“How can you say that?” Mom’s voice was constricted, wounded. “Of course I wanted you to have a full life! What I didn’t expect was that you’d believe you had to risk our lives to prove to a man that you loved him.”
“That’s not it.”
“Then what is it? Make me understand.”
They finally sat down in the living room. Allie tried to explain her confusion. “As Allie Wright, I’m not whole. Because I am Chloe, too, and even Laura. Don’t you see? You were an adult when all this happened. The different names were only labels for you. You were whole. I never had the chance.”
Mom didn’t get it, she could tell. What Allie didn’t know was why. Was she so fixated on her fear that the boogeyman would come after them, she couldn’t see how unlikely it was? Or was she completely unable to see that her daughter was very different from her?
Allie sat looking at her mother and had an unsettling moment. They’d always been so close, depending on each other. She’d have sworn they knew each other. What she should be asking herself now was whether Mom had ever really known her. But instead she thought, Do I really know her?
For the first time in forever, she remembered watching her mother during that long-ago week in Florida, when her parents had argued in bursts, cutting off each time they realized one of their kids had come within hearing distance. Even outside of her own fear and disbelief at what they were arguing about, she’d been perplexed because Mom seemed different. And...she never went back to being the same Mom she’d been before.
Dad had been angry, frustrated, then ultimately stunned. She, though, had had an air of suppressed excitement. She seemed to carry herself taller, to fill more space. In fact, all the changes they underwent made Dad smaller and Mom larger. Had she liked that? Allie asked herself now. Was it possible her mother had been unhappy before, unsatisfied