was falling.
Eventually, we hauled ourselves off the bench and went back to the 8th Arrondissement to a little bistro near his hotel. Over chicken Kiev and beef bourguignon, he told me about his first car restoration.
“It’s slow, it costs more money than it’s making—so far—but I love it.”
“If you need help with anything,” I began. “A little start-up cash…?”
“No,” he said, stabbing his chicken with a fork. “I got this.”
I rolled my eyes. “Christ, people are so damn weird about money. I’ve pissed away enough to build you a state-of-the-art garage six times over.”
River grinned. “I have a sneaking feeling I’ll appreciate my state-of-the-art state garage more if I build it with my own two hands.”
“Duly noted.” I poked at my food. “It may come as a shock, but I actually have some idea of what you’re talking about.”
He shot me a dubious grin. “Are you telling me Holden Parish actually got a job?”
I snorted. “Let’s not be crazy. But yes, I’ve earned a couple of paychecks. Two of my stories have been published in magazines.”
River’s face lit up with pure happiness. “No shit? That’s awesome. Congratulations.”
“Okay, okay.” I waved my hands. “The point is, I understand what you mean about working for something. The pay is a drop in the bucket, but seeing those checks with my name on them felt a million times better than when my inheritance came in. That money still feels like it belongs to my parents. The magazine money is mine. I earned it. What a concept.”
“Do you think you’ll ever speak to your parents again?” River asked in a quiet tone.
“Never. They’re the reason you’re in Santa Cruz and I’m here.”
“Doesn’t have to be this way.”
“Yes, it does. You’ve seen me at my worst.” I swallowed hard. “I’ve seen you in a banged-up car with blood trickling out of your ear.”
River’s fork clattered to his plate. “That accident was not your fault.”
“You don’t understand—”
“I do understand. It’s that goddamn conversion therapy, Holden. Every goddamn word of it was bullshit.”
“Logically, I know that. But it goes deeper than thought. What they did…it burrows down into the marrow of your bones so that you’re cold even when the sun is shining.” I blinked hard. “So when the person you love says he loves you too, the first inclination is to call him a liar. Your second is to run away. Your third is to fuck someone else. And your fourth is to drink and make it all go away.”
“How long can you do that for?”
“What’s the alternative? I was in a sanitarium for an entire year. Round-the-clock treatment. It didn’t help. Nothing will.”
“You deserve another try. You deserve a lot.”
“In the immortal words of Pretty Woman, the bad stuff is easier to believe. Especially when it’s been ingrained in me since birth. My parents have been telling me I’m a mistake since the day they learned who I was. You want to take that on?” I shook my head. “I won’t do that to you, River. I won’t force my mess on you.”
He looked as if he wanted to say something else but kept it to himself. We finished our meal over lighter talk. I had to practically wrestle him for the check, but we left the bistro with me victorious and River with a cute glower on his face.
We walked to his grubby little hotel, up four flights with no elevator. He unlocked a door that opened on a tiny room, hardly bigger than my closet at the Bristol.
“This is cozy,” I said, glancing around. “Where’s the bathroom?”
“Down the hall.” River smirked at my aghast expression. “It’s not Versailles but it works.”
A cutting joke came to my lips, but I was with River. The room could’ve been a literal hole in the ground and I’d never want to leave.
We stripped down to our underwear, me in a sleeveless T-shirt and boxers, and him in a plain white shirt and boxer briefs.
“How exactly is this going to work?” I asked. “The bed is small, and you cannot sleep on this dirty floor. I will not allow it.”
“We’ll both sleep on the bed. But that’s all we are doing. Sleeping.”
I rolled my eyes. “You’ve made it abundantly clear there will be no fucking.”
He smiled grimly. “I’m reminding myself.”
We lay side-by-side on the bed that was too small, River on his stomach, me on my back. He draped his arm over my chest. My arm curled under it, my fingers playing in his hair. Exhaustion weighed over