woman.”
“I can’t”—I looked at the floor, my shoes, the long hallway, anywhere, just trying to find something that would take this feeling away—“believe she’s gone.”
“She fought hard, but she was extremely sick. We did everything we could to keep her out of pain.”
I looked at the nurse again, confused. It was like she was speaking a different language. “She was sick?” I shook my head. “I just spoke to her on Monday. She told me she’d been falling and feeling light-headed.”
“She planned on telling you when you arrived; she didn’t want to worry you while you were at school. I know this because I was in the room when she called you—she needed help dialing and holding the phone to her ear.”
The emotion was brewing in my chest, whistling like a goddamn teakettle.
“She had stage four small-cell carcinoma.”
“Lung cancer,” I sighed, my hand in my hair, barely feeling the grip I had on each piece. “I can’t believe this …”
“Poor thing was diagnosed two months ago. She started chemo treatments immediately, hoping to help with the pain, but there was nothing we could do to stop the progression.” The lines around her eyes caved with sympathy. “She didn’t have the strength to fight it.”
Gran had been here all alone, no one to hold her hand through her diagnosis or chemo treatments.
No one to give her any hope.
And every one of my phone calls had told her they weren’t any closer to finding Pearl.
Fuck me.
My arms felt too heavy to hold, and I rested them on the counter, my face wanting to fall too. “I think I need a minute.” My throat was tightening. “I wasn’t prepared for this.”
She rolled her chair several inches away to a different part of the desk and reached inside a large purse. When she returned, her hand landed on my arm. The same place Gran had touched many times in the past with her small, fragile fingers. “She asked me to give you this. If you didn’t show up today, she left me your phone number, and I was going to reach out to get your address.”
In her other hand was an envelope, my name written in very shaky writing on the front.
“She wrote that part.” She nodded toward the cursive. “I helped her with the rest.”
I placed the envelope in my pocket. “Thank you for being there for her.”
She smiled. “She was the loveliest woman. She sang your praises and was so grateful to have you in her life. She was trying to hold on—she told me that every time I came in for my shift.” She breathed, her voice softening. “I’m sorry you weren’t able to say good-bye.”
I didn’t try to speak.
I just held my hand against the envelope, pressing her last words against my body so I could feel closer to her.
And when I felt like I had the strength to move, I took a step back, mouthing, Thank you, and I forced myself to walk in the direction in which I had come.
Fifty-Nine
After
Ashe
“There’s someone on the other side of that wall,” Kerry whispered in my ear, her fingernails loosening, no longer stabbing my skin.
I leaned my head back to look at her tortured expression.
“A man who spoke to me sometimes, helping me through the roughness.”
I glanced at Rivera, and within a second, he was speaking into his microphone, telling the news to the team.
“Do you know the man’s name?” I asked her gently.
“No.”
The look my partner gave me told me he was on it, and I said to Mills, “We’ll take care of it. I’m going to carry you out to the ambulance now.”
With her arm securely around my neck, I carefully brought her up the steep steps and took her outside, setting her on the gurney that was in front of the ambulance. Two female paramedics were standing next to it, ready to check her vitals.
“They’re going to examine you,” I told Mills the moment I knew she was safely on the bed. “And then they’re going to bring you to the hospital.” I held my finger up in the air, letting her know I just needed a moment, and I said into the microphone, “Can I get an update on Mills’s mother, please?” A team member responded in my ear, and I looked back at Mills and said, “Your mom is on her way to Mass General Hospital. She’ll be there before you even arrive.”
She was nodding, her hair making a sound as it scratched the pillow behind her