or keep any of it from them anymore. And I deserve whatever consequences come from telling them the truth. But I don’t feel ready.
This could change everything. It could ruin everything.
My mouth has gone dry as bone, and I swallow hard before gesturing the other five sins closer. Beckett steps away from the ladder, but Ryland stays where he is, still watching me with eyes that seem to take in every single detail.
What does he think of all of this? Is he worried his brothers will be angry at him for keeping this from them, even though he guessed the true purpose of my mission?
Well, he’ll only find out the answer to that if he wants to. I’m not going to throw him under the bus by revealing that he knows. I don’t want to keep any more secrets from these men, but that one doesn’t feel like it’s my secret to share.
“Well… um, here’s the thing,” I say quietly, glancing from one man to the next. “I didn’t just run into Beckett by accident all those weeks ago. I went looking for him. I was given the task of… of redeeming you all. By Anderson. He’s one of my bosses, a higher up angel. Or at least, he was, until he decided to betray all of our kind by teaming up with a psycho, power-hungry demon.”
I shake my head. I’m getting off track. We can talk about Anderson’s betrayal after I tell them everything else. Assuming these men still want to have anything to do with me then.
“Anderson told me that if I redeemed you all, got you to join the side of good and Heaven, then I would be able to go home. I would be a full angel again. And so I went for it. I started to try to redeem Beckett…” I shoot the dark-haired man a glance, trying to read the emotions in his eyes. “That’s why I came to you with that animal charity thing. That’s why I was in your apartment watching you for a week.” I blush, shaking my head. “Then the demon portal appeared, and I got sidetracked. When I asked for your help closing it up, it’s because I really needed the help. But I also sort of hoped it would redeem you. It seems like a redeemable thing, doing good for humanity.”
My heart is beating like a drum in my chest. No one has said a word or moved at all since I started speaking, and even when I pause, none of the sins speak.
“I didn’t want to manipulate any of you,” I say, my voice cracking. “I didn’t like lying to you. I should’ve told you, but I thought that what I was doing would help you. That it would be a good thing for you.”
Beckett makes a noise in his throat, but I can’t interpret what it might mean. His face is impassive, almost as cold as Ryland’s often is, and I wish I could erase the past few minutes and go back to the way he was looking at me when we escaped Salinas’s lair.
But of course, we can’t do that. We have to go forward, not backward. And if I truly care about these men, I can’t let lies or hidden truths fill the space between us anymore.
“I’m not making excuses,” I go on. “The idea that you had to be redeemed, that you had to join Heaven’s side to be worthy people—that was wrong. Not to mention, the entire assignment was a lie. Anderson is working with Salinas. The two of them are in league in their bid to take over Earth. And I think… I think he wanted you all out of the way. After all, Earth is your dominion. It belongs to you seven more than it belongs to either Above or Below.”
I stop again to catch my breath, wishing someone else would say something. When no one does, I forge ahead. “Anderson made up my assignment knowing there was a good chance it could destroy you all. He sent me to redeem you because if you were redeemed, you would cease to exist. You wouldn’t be sins anymore, and sin is what you are. That’s what he told me when he had me in Salinas’s lair, when he was trying to convince me I was back in Heaven.” I draw in a deep breath, the words burning past my lips. “He made me think that you all were dead.”
Silence falls again,