quite understand, he won’t let himself have what he wants.
After the food is served, everyone dives in. I’m surrounded by such a warm, homey atmosphere that it nearly knocks me off my chair. Even with all of their bickering—and that’s actually grown less and less as we’ve gone on—I feel like I’m at home among these men in a way that I never did in my little apartment.
Of course, I had takeout, and my fictional friends through the books, movies, and television shows that I watched. And that was fun, to lose myself in those worlds and to relax. But I didn’t realize at the time what I was missing. I didn’t know what I needed. Now that I have this, I don’t want to let it go. It feels incredible to be surrounded by these men and their energy, to feel like I’m included as part of a group.
I’ve never had that, not since I fell.
Sure, I had my group therapy once a week for fallen angels, but I never really felt comfortable there. A lot of those people were angry about being stuck on Earth, and I never really was, despite how badly I wanted to go home. I never felt like I fit in with the other fallen angels.
I fit in here though. Maybe I didn’t at first, but I do now. I feel like I could fit in even more if they would open up to me like Sawyer did earlier, if they would let me see all of them.
But then again—what’s the point in hoping for that kind of closeness if I’m just going to lose it all again soon?
As soon as I complete my mission and redeem the sins, I’ll get to go home. And that will be good. I missed having friends, having a community.
Although, now that I think about it…
How much were my friends back Upstairs really friends? Did any of them support me when I was brought before the committee and kicked out, hurled down to Earth? Did we actually spend time together hanging out like this?
No. Never.
Actually, I’m not sure angels ever really “hang out.” Most of them would consider it below them, I think. Nowhere near solemn enough for them.
A rush of sadness washes over me as I contemplate the future. Despite all the struggles and challenges I’ve faced recently, I’ve had more fun in these past weeks than I had in years before all of this started. I feel alive and… happy.
I don’t want to lose this. I don’t want to lose these men.
But I fear that no matter how this all plays out, I will.
Chapter Eight
Trinity
Nix has plenty of rooms all over his enormous house, despite the fact that he doesn’t usually have a lot of visitors. I settle down into one of the guest rooms after dinner and try to sleep.
But I’m too worried.
Anderson’s not going to be happy with me. He must be wondering where I am and what I’ve been up to. If nothing else, he must know that I left the country for a while and that there’s something crazy going on with me. He must be driving himself insane wondering what I’ve done. None of this is anywhere even close to following protocol. If I were a good angel…
Well, I’m not a good angel, am I? Not really.
I never really have been. When I worked Upstairs, I never obeyed or followed the rules without question like I was supposed to. That’s why I was cast down. And now I’m running around with the seven sins, sleeping with them…
Falling in love with them.
I bite my lip as the thought filters through my mind, as if I’m afraid I’ll speak the words aloud if I don’t clamp my mouth shut. And I’m scared to say them out loud. It’ll make the truth seem more real than I’m ready to deal with right now.
Throwing the covers off, I slip out of bed. It’s late, I know, but I just can’t lie here staring at the ceiling anymore. I’m going bonkers, and my mind is veering into dangerous territory. I have to walk around and do something or I’ll go absolutely insane. I suck at video games, always have, but Nix must have a few that I can play. Losing myself in some mindless game sounds perfect right now. It’ll be a distraction, if nothing else.
This place is nice, I think to myself as I put on a robe and wander through the darkened halls. Beckett’s