much by trying to be something I’m not. I’m at the point now where if I don’t change right now, I’ll lose all of the people that are important to me,” he said in a quivering voice. He looked up at me with eyes ringed in red from unshed tears.
Pain. Patrick Dunlevy is nothing but pain, I reminded myself. I was fighting a losing battle and I knew it.
I had to get away from him if I wanted any hope of a future without him in it.
“Get showered, it’s almost time for breakfast,” he broke my train of thought with a quick swat at my ass.
“We’re eating with the family?”
“Yeah I know, it’s not like me. But, I’m trying something new. I tried honesty and it got you to stop hating me. You might even like me a little,” he winked. “Maybe if I stop acting like an asshole the rest of them will stop treating me like one.”
“What about—”
He held up a hand and stopped me before I could get the words out.
“It doesn’t mean I’ve forgotten anything. It just means that one day that man is going to look at me and have no idea who I am. I want to know when that day comes, that at one point he used to know me very well. I can’t say that now. Right now, that man has no idea who I am, and that’s partly my fault. He’s a soulless ghoul of a man, but at least I know that. He has no idea what kind of a man I am.”
I was shocked. Did Patrick Dunlevy just admit fault? Was he taking responsibility?
“Bet you didn’t think I had it in me, did you?” He winked at me again and I found myself shaking my head.
“No, not at all.”
“Yeah, well don’t get too comfortable. I don’t know how long this will last,” he slid into his briefs and looked at me suspiciously. “Don’t just stand there watching my ass, Ramirez. Go shower and get dressed!”
I followed instructions and came out of the bathroom to find my clothes laid out on the bed.
“Do you need help?” he gave me a lazy smile. “Although, I have to admit I’m a lot better at taking your clothes off than putting them on.”
“Patrick…”
He took a towel and dried my hair.
“Don’t worry. I’m not going to try anything. I said we would show up for breakfast and I meant it. But I’m not going to lie,” he gave me a heated look. “It’s a hard decision to make.”
“Patrick,” I pulled away from him and leaned against the dresser against the wall. “Let me do this.”
“Why?”
“Because of this,” I looked at him. “You being like this is too much for me.”
“Too much.”
I swallowed hard, trying not to let my emotions overcome me. It was my turn, to be honest.
“Do you know how long I waited for you to be just like this? Do you know how many times I wished...I just thought that if I waited long enough things would change. But they never changed. You never even tried.”
“Okay, but I’m changing now. I’m trying. You can see I’m trying. What’s the problem?”
“The problem is I’M SCARED.” Now I was crying. “I don’t know how long this is going to last. You say this is you, the real you, but the man I’ve known for years is different. And what if, one day, you decide this isn’t working for you? What if you decide honesty and not being an asshole is just too much work? What do I do then?”
“Then,” he closed the distance between us and pulled me against his body. “Then you beat some sense into me and walk away. Because I can stand to lose a lot of things in life, but I can’t lose you. I know that now. Okay, I’m late to the party but I’m here.”
“I can’t put my life on hold for you,” I said.
“I’m not asking you to. I’m saying let me stay with you. We can build a life together.”
“You have obligations.”
“I know and one of them is to make sure that the man I love is happy, safe, and secure.”
I felt my chest constrict. We’d never spoken of love. I wasn’t even sure it was in his vocabulary. There was sex, and lust, desire, and even caring, but love was something else.
“Love.”
His face turned red but he didn’t look away or back down.
“Yeah, I know, right? Me, of all people! But it only makes sense.