me?”
Rachel squeezed her eyes shut. God, she wanted to disappear, not listen to another round of how she still wasn’t handling Noelle’s death right. Curling up in a fetal position would be a close second, but only in the privacy of her room. Gritting her teeth in determination, she slowly pivoted, her eyes locked on the ground.
“Rachel, I love you.”
Her eyes veered upward to look at him before she could rein in her response, and the intensity in his gaze nearly did her in. That. That was what she’d longed for for all her life. The right guy saying that and looking like that. Cale was the right guy. Had been since the night she’d met him. But she wasn’t the right girl, and there wasn’t a right time. Not for them.
At her lack of response, he touched her cheek, pressed his forehead to hers, and all she could do was stand there stock-still as her heart pulsed with searing pain. Cale wrapped his arms around her and said it again.
“I love you.”
“You can’t,” she choked out. “You loved Noelle.”
“I did. Past tense. She’s not here anymore, so I can’t love her in the same way.” He ran his fingers through her hair, his chin resting on her head. “I fought loving you, Rachel. I rationalized with myself that you two are so different it didn’t make sense. But I love you. I love your freaky-smart brain and the way you set goals and go all out for them and the way you are so sure about who you are. Watching you handle everything you’ve had to deal with since being back... You’re one of the bravest people I know. So determined. Strong. You make me stronger somehow.”
She shook her head emphatically.
“Shh. Let me finish. At the same time, you’ve got this soft spot that you only let certain people see, and it makes me want to hold on to you forever, so nothing ever hurts you again. You’ve hurt too much. I want to make a future of good stuff with you.”
She wanted to die.
She wanted so much to be able to throw her arms around him and say okay.
“I thought when I didn’t look like her anymore, you would get it, Cale. That I’m not her and you don’t want me.”
“I’ve never thought you were her. I take it back. The first moment I saw you in the E.R., I did a double take, but that’s because it was from a distance. There’s never been any confusion in my mind. When Noelle would have laughed and done something spontaneous, you bite your lip and think so hard I can practically see smoke coming out your ears. But I stopped comparing you two long ago.” He took a step back. “You’re beautiful with black hair. You’re beautiful with blond hair. I don’t care if you dye it bright purple. Shave it off. Try me.”
He was saying everything right. If she’d been subconsciously testing him by changing her appearance, he’d passed with flying colors. Set the curve for every other man on the planet. Dammit, he was turning out to be the perfect man for her.
When she studied that face she loved, though, she couldn’t get Noelle out of her mind. How could they build a future when she’d stolen it from her sister? How would she ever be able to live with herself?
“I can’t,” she whispered. “I’m sorry. I’m so damn sorry, Cale, but I can’t get over the guilt.”
The pain in his eyes cut into her and she struggled to breathe.
“I love you,” she said, her voice stronger. “You’re so easy to love. But I don’t feel right about it. I wish I did.”
He stared at her with imploring, heartbreaking eyes for a long moment. “We could work through it. You can do whatever you put your mind to—”
“Don’t you think if I could I would have already? You’re what I’ve wanted. But she got you first. And last.” She shut up before she lost it.
Cale looked as though he was going to reach out for her and then ran his hands through his hair instead. He turned away, toward the water. The calm, beautiful bay water that didn’t make anything okay tonight.
“This is stupid, Rachel!” He spun around, and the pain in his eyes was gone. Now they flared with anger. With his voice more in control, he said, “You’re telling me that we love each other and yet we can’t make this work?”
“Yes. Why can’t you