of me thinks it’s just the most cringe thing ever, and I can’t get past imagining wipe-clean pleather sofas and bowls of condoms and being hit on by sleazy guys I wouldn’t ever shag in a million years. But also, Fabian’s got me to try other things I haven’t been sure about and some of them have ended up being kind of hot.’
And the ones that haven’t? I thought.
I said, ‘Honestly, if it were me, I’d be completely freaked out. I’d be worried about how I’d feel if my boyfriend shagged someone else in front of me, and about how he’d feel if I did. And I’d be all self-conscious about being the only person there with ginger pubes. Or any pubes. But maybe it’s different once you’re there, if you get into it.’
Dani took the straw out of her drink and chewed it, then grimaced and stopped. ‘Yuck. It’s one of those paper ones, and it’s disintegrating in my mouth.’
‘But you’re helping to save the planet, right?’
She laughed. ‘I guess a mouth full of paper is a price worth paying. But the thing is, Fabian’s way more experienced than me. He’s been with loads of girls and he watches loads of porn and I kind of feel like there’s this massive expectation that I’ll be into the same stuff.’
‘Like what?’ I couldn’t help asking, even though the thought of Fabian knocking one out to a porno gave me the literal shivers.
‘Like some poor woman having a load of men spunking all over her face until she looks like a plasterer’s radio. But other stuff, too. He likes me to dress up.’
‘An ex of mine tried that once,’ I remembered. ‘I don’t know what got into his head. I was in bed and he came into the room with an eyepatch on and a stripy jumper, and a breadknife stuck into his belt, and he was like, “Yarrr, a fine filly we have here, me hearties.”’
‘What?’ Dani spluttered. ‘He dressed up as a pirate?’
‘He did. But I don’t think he’d really thought it through. I tried to play along. I said, “No, sir, I am an innocent girl. Do not defile me!” and I pretended to cry, and he went, “Oh my God, Zoë, I’m so sorry,” and got into bed with me and gave me a massive hug, and that was the end of that. Well, the end of the pirate thing. We had sex, obviously, once I’d explained that I hadn’t really been scared.’
And that had been the end of any kind of fantasy role-playing sex games with Joe. We hadn’t needed to spice things up, not really – sex with him had always been amazing. But maybe it would be better with Jude if I made more of an effort? Maybe I should invest in stripper heels and cut-out bras and thong knickers that would get stuck up my bum crack and give me thrush? Maybe I was too boring, and that was why it wasn’t working out like I’d hoped?
‘Fabian keeps telling me about stuff he got up to with his exes,’ Dani said, when we’d ordered another round of drinks. ‘Threesomes with other girls, and even with other blokes. It just makes me feel so inadequate, like I should be up for all that stuff, when really I’m just not. But I want to be good enough for him. The sex club thing… he says we don’t have to even do anything – we can just go along and watch. But I don’t know if I want to watch a bunch of strangers getting it on.’
‘Honestly, I can’t think of anything worse. Like watching other people play computer games or something. Wouldn’t you be like, “No, don’t do it that way!” Or you’d be worried that you were staring and it was rude.’
‘I know, right? But then he tells me I’m so hot, and he wants to show me off, and that’s nice, isn’t it?’
‘It’s only nice if it’s what you want to do, surely?’
‘I know – you’re right really. But when we’re actually having sex and he talks about this stuff, I kind of go along with it. Maybe it’s just fantasy, and all he wants to do is talk about it?’
‘I wish there was more of that with Jude,’ I admitted. ‘Not sex clubs, obviously. But it’s… well, I wouldn’t say it’s crap. But when we shag, it’s always over in, like, a few seconds and I worry it’s because he doesn’t fancy