“knows” it’s cold. What the hell does this man know about having a metal torture device shoved inside of his body? Nothing.
There’s a clicking sound when he opens the clamp and then comes the uncomfortable scrape.
“All done.” He lowers the white paper sheet to cover my exposed nether regions before handing the swab over to his nurse. “Here,” he says, taking my hand after removing his gloves. “Let me help you up.”
“Thanks.” Is there anything more awkward than conversing with the gyno after they come up from inspecting your vag? If so, I can’t think of it. I’m sweating bullets.
“I’ll have Janet here send in refills for your birth control. You should receive a card in the mail within a week with the results. If there are any issues, I’ll give you a ring personally.”
I nod. He really is a kind old man, and now that he’s not staring into my vagina, I feel a little guilty for being so judgmental of his lack of female organs.
“Do you have any concerns?”
There it is. My opening. I’ve been stressing over whether or not to bring this up since the moment he walked in. Every year’s visit ends with the same question. It’s now or never.
Here goes… “How’s everything look?”
His fuzzy white brows crinkle. “Looks fine. I didn’t see any obvious issues, but I can’t really answer that officially until we get the results from the lab.”
My pulse soars. “No. I mean like appearance wise.”
He looks nervously at his nurse then back to me. “I’m not sure I follow.”
“I mean…you look at vaginas all day, right?”
His throat clears. “Well, yes. It comes with the territory, so to speak.”
“Well, are there any new trends you’ve seen recently? Any fancy waxings I should be made aware of?”
Janet jumps in, likely trying to save her boss from the possibility of a lawsuit. “New beau?” she asks, grinning at the doctor’s discomfort.
I nod.
“You have nothing to worry about, doll. Looks just fine. One of the best I’ve seen. He’ll be a lucky man.”
“Right. So…” The doc grabs his clipboard. “You can schedule that mammogram we talked about with the front desk. They’ll send you straight to imaging, and you can get this out of the way today. Shouldn’t take but a few minutes. Have a nice day, Mrs. Watts. And uh…” He scrubs a hand over his face. “Good luck with the suitor.”
Liam: How’d it go?
Nya: Fine. Doc says I have a nice pussy.
Liam: Did she now?
Nya: He.
Liam: He’s as good as fired.
Nya: Such a cave man. He did send me for my first mammogram. Said it’s the new thing to get them done in your early thirties to have a baseline for later. I didn’t think it could get more uncomfortable than someone poking around in your vagina, but having a woman’s hands all over my breasts takes the cake.
My phone starts buzzing in my hand as I make my way to the car. “Hello?”
“I thought a mammogram was done in a machine?”
“Well, hello to you too, Liam.” I laugh. “Didn’t know you were so fascinated with female sexual health. Yes, the mammogram is done with a machine, but a tech has to position your breasts on said machine. I just didn’t realize how much contact was involved. It was quite awkward.”
“Damn,” he hisses. “Mrs. Rollins let me down.”
“Who the hell is Mrs. Rollins? Are you on drugs?”
“School counselor. I feel like my life could have been so different had I known a job existed where you do nothing but touch titties all day.”
Oh. My. God. “You do realize most of their patients are older women? And it’s all very technical. It’s not like you can squeeze them like stress balls.”
“Hey. I’m an equal titty opportunist. I’ve obviously missed my calling. If ever a job existed for me, I feel like this would have been it. You know they say: when you love your work… you never work a day in your life.”
“I don’t even know what to say to you right now.”
Liam
Surprise!
“Are you packed yet? We have to take off for the airport the minute Ellie gets in from school to be sure we don’t miss our flight.”
“Just about,” I lie. I’m actually reading the “to do” list I found sitting on the counter next to my new stainless steel coffee machine. This woman and her lists. It’s a mile long with all but two things checked off. One of which she’s on her way out of the door to take care of: drop