do you mean you saw me?”
“Right after I got out of the psych ward for the final time. About a year after the accident. I went looking for you, and I saw you.” The last part comes out sounding broody, even to my ears. “You were with someone. Before I could reach you, he kissed you. And… I just couldn’t compete with that. I didn’t want to disrupt your life—”
She scrubs a hand through her amber hair. “I don’t mean to drag you, but… Grayson, what the fuck? What were you thinking?”
Growing irritable, I answer without thinking. “I felt like… like I wanted to die. So I let that person I was before slip away. Everything from my old life just fell to the wayside. It was the only way that I could go on, Rachel.”
She puffs out her cheeks, exhaling slowly. “Jesus, Gray.”
“Hey. This time, I didn’t go looking for you. You just showed up unannounced. I wasn’t exactly planning on you waltzing back into my life.”
She gives me a smile that doesn’t quite reach her eyes. “No. You’ve made that quite clear.”
Rachel stands up and goes to the edge of the tarp, looking out on the moonlit night. I feel… god, so many things, all at once.
Shame.
Guilt.
Anger.
Resistance.
Most of all, I just want to crawl somewhere dark and quiet and be alone with my thoughts. Rachel feels that too, I guess.
“The rain has stopped. I’m going to go for a walk.” She reaches for her boots.
“Rachel.”
She looks at me. “Yeah, Grayson?”
“I am sorry for disappearing on you five years ago. Hope you know that I regret it every fucking day.”
She pauses for a second. “Thanks. For what it’s worth, I’m sorry that you went through that.”
For a second, I can’t breathe. “Thanks.”
She flashes me a ghost of a smile and then finishes tying her boots. Then I have to watch her walk away while I try to figure out what exactly I’m supposed to do now.
I want to chase after her. I want to kiss her. I want her to absolve me of all my sins, to wave a wand and magically erase everything that has happened in the time we were apart.
But I know that there is no simple cure for my heartache and guilt. At most, that would just mask my deeper wounds. I just… I regret every minute I haven’t been by Rachel’s side and I’m at a loss for how to begin paying reparations to her.
With my guts twisting themselves into knots, I lay back with a sigh.
Chapter Twenty-Three
Rachel
After our kiss and Grayson’s explosive confession, the awkward silence between us grows until it’s uncomfortable. It lasts for the next couple of days. Grayson finds every possible excuse he can to do anything I’m not doing.
I am feeling uncertain about Grayson. Sad and wounded on his behalf at what happened, yes. But there is definitely some tension too, stirring beneath the surface. I’m still angry that he just left me like he did.
I can’t find the words to say what I’m feeling for him, especially when I don't know what to even call the complex torrent of emotions I feel every time I look at him.
I feel angry. Sad. Intrigued. Humiliated. Depressed.
But god help me if he shoots me one of his brooding looks…
Because then I am too busy remembering why I found him so fucking attractive to begin with.
It’s easier just to keep my mouth shut than to try to explain any of it to Grayson. And since he’s avoiding me, it’s pretty much a given anyway.
When we finally get back to the campsite three days later, there is someone waiting for us. As we march into camp, I can only see that back of his blond head, but he’s dressed head to toe in brand new Patagonia clothes. He’s leaning against his ruby red Range Rover, his head bent as he looks at his phone.
Knowing immediately who it is, I sigh heavily.
“Who is that?” Grayson asks, squinting.
“That would be Clay.” My lips form a half-sneer. “He was my boyfriend until very recently.”
“Oh.”
I can tell that Grayson doesn’t quite know how to feel about that bit of news. Smiling humorlessly, I decide to let him in on the secret.
“He cheated on me.”
Grayson’s eyebrows lift. “Do you want me to send him on his way? I may be grown, but I can still thrash some pansy piece of trash if you want me to.”
That pulls a smile from my lips. “I never doubted it for a