moping. Keith and Tina knew it, too. They dragged me out on Wednesday, going so far as to take me to the questionable Chinese buffet I liked so much. I barely touched anything, just pushing my plate aside to work on grading the papers I'd brought with me.
"Okay, this is clearly an emergency," Tina said. "You're grading papers to avoid talking about Reuben."
"I'm just behind," I deflected. "I spent the last couple weeks helping him get ready for David's birthday and I haven't had a chance to catch up on grading."
"Uh huh." Keith reached over and rather than take my pen like I thought he was going to, he just placed a hand over it and mine. "We're worried about you, Elliot. If you don't want to talk, that's fine, but you were up in the stratosphere until this week. So what the hell happened?"
"A stupid, careless decision probably cost me my boyfriend."
They shared a look as I grappled with whether or not I actually wanted to explain. Telling Tina all of this wasn't a problem, but Keith could be... insensitive at best. Whether he intended to be or not.
I wasn't ready to hear him tell me there were "plenty of dicks in the sea" or something similar.
In the end, though, I decided to just tell them. I brought it back to first contacting Formerly Lonely Guy, then how I'd realized I didn't want to be someone else, followed by me apparently deciding I wanted Reuben to be someone else instead. I felt sick as I said it, the smell of the fried Chinese food making my stomach turn.
"Oh, Elliot. That's..." Tina began.
She didn't finish, but I knew the gist of what she was going to say. All I could do was nod. Grateful on one hand that I could recognize where I'd gone wrong but feeling physically gutted every time I thought about it.
Keith was surprisingly quiet. He looked uncomfortable; ready to make up some excuse like he did with the guys who insisted on more involved dates before hooking up. I expected him to leave and, honestly, I wouldn't have been bothered by it. Better that than some vapid words of encouragement.
"Jesus, I gave you the worst advice," he murmured, looking like he really was about to be sick. "This is my fault."
I blinked at him, exchanging a glance with Tina. Her eyes were wide and she shrugged.
"I'm an adult, Keith. I could have made a different choice. It's not your fault I decided to go through with it, even with knowing it was wrong."
"Maybe, but I never should have given you the advice to begin with. It was bullshit." He met my gaze, affirming his sincerity. "I'm sorry, man."
For a long moment, I was too shocked to say anything. Keith had never been a bad guy, exactly, but he was definitely more on the selfish and self-absorbed side. He rarely seemed to think about the consequences of his actions, even when he was confronted with them.
To get an apology was a big enough thing. To know he meant it was mind-boggling to me.
"I appreciate that," I finally said, unsure what else I even could say.
Tina seemed to be at just as much of a loss, because when she finally spoke, it was to bring things back to me and Reuben.
"He probably just needs time and space. You'll see him Friday and Saturday, right?"
"He might just drop David off Friday. But yeah, he'll be there Saturday."
"Maybe you can talk then," she said, a hopeful note to her voice. "And even if it doesn't work out... all of this is a good sign, Elliot. It means you're ready to give someone your heart again."
She was right. I thought I'd never be ready for that after Barb's death. It didn't make everything hurt any less, but it did give me some perspective.
So did the thought of seeing Reuben again on Saturday. Some part of me wanted to fixate on it as a chance for us to talk, but I couldn't do that. I couldn't corner him. It was David's day, but it was also Reuben's chance to show his sister he was willing to do whatever it took for their nephew.
No matter what else happened, I needed to support him in that.
26
Reuben
It wasn't the smartest decision to avoid Elliot when what I really needed was his advice and more practice, but I knew if I started talking to him about the session I was running, I'd talk to him about