tried to think of a question to even type in, I remembered the last time I'd been in this predicament. Different circumstances then, but the advice had given me the confidence I needed to be with someone like Reuben.
Maybe Formerly Lonely Guy would have some advice for me. Not a blueprint for me to follow that turned me into someone I wasn't -- I wasn't interested in deceiving Reuben. At all. I just wanted to better understand the situation.
So I opened up the email, and after about an hour of fussing with it, I finally came up with something that would serve its purpose decently enough.
Formerly Lonely Guy,
I wanted to thank you for your advice before. It was helpful, though I ultimately decided "pretending" wasn't for me. It did help me with some confidence issues, though, so I definitely appreciate it.
I need advice with something a little more... delicate now. Your ad says you deal with all types of relationships, not just sexual ones. So... this is probably going to be weird to see, but the guy I met through Grindr turned out to be great. We get along really well, sex is amazing, and he's a good guy I'd like to know better.
He says he just wants to do the casual thing. Friends with benefits, or something close to it. I want more, but I'm not going to push him. Or I wasn't. Lately he's been doing things that seem a lot more significant than "friends with benefits" and I don't know what to think.
We spend a lot of time together. I've been helping him with something he's doing for his nephew, but we're also eating meals together, watching movies, falling asleep on the couch... just general things that seem to suggest he might want more but is afraid to have it.
Am I crazy? Maybe I'm just seeing what I want to see. Like I said before, I'm not experienced with anything, really. The last time I dated anyone was in college, and that person became my wife. I'd also say I've never had a really close male friendship, so maybe this is just the way things are.
Any advice you can give would be immensely helpful.
Signed,
Confused, But Hopeful
It didn't take him long to respond. I was just about to finally give sleep a chance when he messaged me back.
Dear Confused, But Hopeful,
Without more context, it's hard for me to know if this behavior is that of a friend, or someone who wants to be more. I want to continue giving you hope, but it's possible your guy just has really close friendships. Can you tell me anything more about the situation?
You can't force him into something more than what he wants. He needs to be willing, and he needs to want you as more than just a friend. He also needs to have the desire to let go of whatever fear he's holding on to, if it is fear stopping him.
That said, you can make yourself more appealing as a partner. You've spent enough time with him to know what he likes. Do more of that and less of anything that gets under his skin. Do nice, considerate things for him -- don't let anyone tell you guys don't like it when they're made to feel special.
Test the boundaries of these encounters you've described. Act like you would if he was your boyfriend. When you're having sex, let yourself respond as if it's about more than just physical release. If he starts to reciprocate, you'll know there's a chance. If not, you've just saved yourself years of pining, my friend.
Signed,
Formerly Lonely Guy
I considered his words for a good fifteen minutes, reading and re-reading what he'd written. There was wisdom in it. I didn't agree with everything he said, but there were some good points. I could be caring and considerate; make him feel like he matters to me. That wasn't going to be anything different from what I'd normally do, it just might have more purpose behind it.
As for testing boundaries, I didn't think I could stop myself from doing that. I was catching some kind of feelings for Reuben, whether it was convenient to do so or not. And I'd never been the type of person who could just endlessly bottle those things up. They were going to come out as we spent more and more time together. Especially as we explored new levels of intimacy.
I didn't want him to feel pressured, but either I denied my own