it matter.”
“I’ve believed you before, and you’ve only let me down.”
I run my hand over my face and lean forward again. “Okay, yes. I’m a fucking asshole, okay? I know that. It lives with me every day. Have I slept with women? Yes, I have. I’ve done a lot of things I wish I didn’t, but you don’t understand what it’s like to be me. I’m having to lie to everybody on a day-to-day basis. I’ve been trying to lie to myself. I wondered if I could be with a woman, so I tried it. There’s women around all the time, and I wanted to get off without having to do it myself.
“It’s not easy finding a man to be with when your face is everywhere. How could I hookup with a guy and be sure he wouldn’t run and tell everybody that Merrick Kingston is gay? So, yes, I’ve fucked some women, and I hated myself the entire time I was doing it. I’ve gotten blowjobs and handjobs from them, too. But those women in Paris and the one in Germany? I was not with them. I haven’t slept with anyone in a long time.”
When Ali looks at me again, his eyes hold a sadness in them. Maybe pity. I hate that. I don’t want him to feel sorry for me. That wasn’t the point of my rant. I just want him to try to understand. I want him to know I won’t lie to him anymore.
“Aren’t you tired?” he asks.
I don’t have to ask what he’s talking about. I know he’s asking if I’m tired of pretending. “You have no idea.”
His lips turn down in the corners. “You stopped calling me.”
“You stopped answering.”
“Well, I was mad at you.”
“Was?” I ask, a little hopeful.
Ali sighs and pins me with a look. “You didn’t tell me you were leaving town. You led me to believe we had a future together. You told me you loved me and you left two days later.”
“Fuck, I’m so sorry, Ali.”
I go to reach for him, but the back door opens. “Lunch is ready.”
Ali quickly stands up and makes his way inside.
13
Alejandro
5 ½ Years Ago
“Come on, it’s my twenty-first birthday. I’m legal,” Merrick says with a pout.
“Oh, please. Like you haven’t been drinking since you were fifteen.”
“Yeah, but now it’s legal. We’re going to King’s Tavern. I want you there,” he says, grabbing my hand.
I grin. “You’re so needy.”
He chuckles and steps forward, pulling me into him. “Only for you.”
“I just hate that we’ll be drinking, and you know how I get when I’m drinking.”
Merrick bites his lip. “Mm. And I love it.”
“Yeah, but I won’t be able to do anything about it. I won’t be able to touch you or kiss you, or whisper all the filthy things I want to do to you.”
He drops his hands and cups my ass through my jeans. “Tell me now.”
I bite his bottom lip gently and then suck it into my mouth. “We don’t have time. Cillian will be here any minute.”
“But now I’m horny,” he whines.
“You’re always horny,” I say with a laugh, pulling away from him.
“Again, only for you.” He winks and my heart flutters.
“Of course, I’ll come,” I say, heading toward my bedroom. “Let me change.”
A week after Merrick’s twenty-first birthday, he starts acting strange. I catch him watching me with a forlorn look on his face. Every time I question him, he says it’s nothing, but I know him. I know it’s not nothing.
He keeps having to go somewhere with his bandmates, and he doesn’t really tell me what they’re doing. They had a few more shows, but they were never gone more than a couple days. It’s weird, but he hasn’t mentioned much about the future of the band. They’ve spent so much time touring, selling their music, giving demos to anyone who’ll take them, and even creating their own music videos to upload to YouTube. They’re doing everything people do when they’re seeking a record deal, but these past few months, Merrick hasn’t said much.
“Hey, Ali?”
I step out of my kitchen and see him sitting on the couch. He’s spent a lot of time at my apartment, because it’s the only place we can be together the way we want to be. I’ve loved every second of it, and many daydreams have consisted of me wondering how it would be if we actually lived together.
“What’s up?”
“Wanna go on a date?”
My eyebrows shoot up. “A date?”
He grins. “Well, nobody will really know