quick peck. “Go inside and act natural.”
I laugh, then wrap my hands around his head and pull him to my mouth. He groans when our tongues meet and pushes me harder against his car. We kiss for an entire minute. Then two.
When he finally pulls back, he shakes his head a little while running his eyes over my features. “It’s surreal,” he says. “I gave up on the thought of us so long ago.”
“And I never even allowed myself to think we were a possibility.”
He smiles, but it feels like a sad smile. He slides both his hands down my back. “I’d give it all back if it meant they didn’t have to die. As happy as I am to be with you, I never wanted it to happen this way. I hope you know that.”
“Of course I know that. You don’t even have to say it.”
“I know. I guess I’m still grappling with it all. I’m happy to finally have you, but I also feel guilty because of the way I got you.” He pulls my head against his chest. I slide my arms around his waist, and we hold each other like that for a while. “Part of me wonders if you really want this. Me. I would understand if you didn’t. It’s a lot to take on. I don’t have the money Chris had, and I also come with an infant. It’d be like starting over for you, and maybe you want time for yourself now. I don’t know. But I’d understand. I want you to know that.”
I want to shake my head and disagree with him immediately, but I think about what he’s saying. If we do this, I’ll be raising another child. I’ll be committing to a whole new life, right after the only life I’ve known has been altered so drastically. For most people, they’d need more time to adjust. Especially going from such a long marriage to a brand-new relationship in the span of just a few months. I can see where Jonah might expect some hesitation on my part.
I close my eyes and roll my head until my face is pressed directly against Jonah’s chest. I can feel his heart racing.
I slide my hand up his shirt, moving it across his chest until my palm is right over his heart. I keep it there for a moment, paying attention to the extreme rate it’s pumping blood through his body. I can tell by the speed and the strength of his heartbeats that he’s full of fear right now.
It makes me sad, because if there’s one thing Jonah Sullivan shouldn’t have to worry about, it’s the way I feel about him. But I’ve never actually expressed to him all the whys.
I lift my head, coming eye to eye with him as I tell him everything he deserves to hear. “When we were teenagers, you’re the only one who used to laugh at my jokes. And you used to hide it, like it would give away how you felt about me. I always watched for your reaction, though. And sometimes Chris and I would get into arguments, but I noticed you never used that as an opportunity to try and break us up. You would just listen to me vent, and then you’d remind me of all the great things about him. And when Jenny got pregnant last year, I honestly didn’t think you would step up. But you did. And then the night you came back for Elijah after finding out he wasn’t biologically yours . . . I think that’s when I fell in love with you as a complete person. It was no longer just pieces of you I loved. I loved you as a whole.”
I don’t want him to feel like he has to follow that up with anything. I already know how he feels about me. How he’s felt about me. It’s his turn to understand how it feels to know that he’s always been someone’s first choice.
I pull my hand from his shirt and bring it up to his cheek. “I married Chris because he was the father of my child, and I wanted to make it work. I did love him,” I add. “And I’ll always love Jenny too. But you’re the first and only person in this world I’ve ever loved without some reasoning or justification behind it. I just love you because I can’t help it, and it feels good to love you. The idea