door, but I do. He sees my red eyes, my smeared makeup, the tears hanging from my lashes. “Did you come back for your booze?”
“It’s not your fault,” he says. “I shouldn’t have said what I did.”
I wipe my eyes. “Take your liquor and go. I have to get to the airport. My flight leaves soon.”
He comes in and the door shuts behind him. “Don’t leave.”
I laugh pathetically. “You’re not giving me any reason to stay.”
He lunges at me and takes me in his arms. His lips collide with mine. I don’t even have time to think about it. I have craved this though I’ve fought my feelings.
His lips are soft and strong and warm, his touch electric. I get lost in the moment and give in to him. He slips his tongue in my mouth and deepens the kiss.
I taste alcohol and pull away. “You’re drunk. You don’t want this. I’m not sure I want this.”
He steps back and leans against the door. He pinches the bridge of his nose. “It doesn’t matter. Because I can never have this. I just wanted to feel what it’s like to kiss you before you walked out of my life.” He snatches the bottle and turns to leave. “It was my dad. He ruined my fucking life. He ruined me. He took away any chance I ever had of being with someone like you. And it’s my fault he’s still out there.”
Chapter Twenty-one
Liam
Thirteen years ago
Sitting on the front stoop, I take the guitar back from Crew. “Careful, it’s Luke’s. I’d hate for you to drop it.” I play a tune Luke taught me.
“You’re getting pretty good at that,” he says.
“That’s what Luke says. Dad said he’ll buy me one when I turn twelve.”
“Cool.”
I stop playing. “Do you … miss having a dad at your house?”
“I guess. I mean, doesn’t everyone want their dad to live with them?”
“I don’t know. Do you feel you can do all the things men do without him there?”
He laughs. “Men? So we’re men now?”
I fiddle with the strings, not wanting to look at him. Does he know what I’m asking? Maybe he hasn’t done any of it yet. Maybe he never will since his dad doesn’t live with him. This is the closest to talking about it I’ve ever gotten. Crew is my best friend, but I’m not sure what I can and can’t say. Dad says men don’t talk about it.
He’s crawled into my bed a lot over the past few months. Mostly I pretend I’m asleep, even when he does other stuff—like what’s in the magazine. He says I’m good at it, better than Luke even, and Luke is fifteen. But I’m not ever allowed to tell Luke that. Luke would get mad and not like me anymore, because big brothers are always supposed to be better. It will be our secret.
He talks about secrets a lot, how they keep our family together. How Mom and Luke and I would have to go back to living in our rundown apartment if we ever told anyone. How Mom would hate me if I ever did anything to change how things are.
“We’re almost twelve,” I say. “So yeah, we’re men.”
Crew throws a stone at the mailbox. “I miss my dad taking me fishing. We used to go every Saturday. Now I’m lucky if we go once a month. You’re lucky you have your dad to do all that stuff with.”
“I suppose.”
Luke comes around the corner and spots us with his guitar. I hand it to him. “Nah,” he says. “You’re better at it than I am. Just put it back when you’re done.” He goes in the house.
“Your brother is so cool,” Crew says. “Kellan’s older brother beats the shit out of him if he takes his stuff.”
“Not Luke. He looks out for me.”
A minute later, Luke is back. “Go home, Crew.”
“Why does he have to leave?” I ask.
“He just does. We have shit to do.”
Crew whispers, “Guess he was mad after all,” and leaves.
I follow Luke inside and set his guitar by the couch. He seems upset, because he grabs my elbow and pulls me all the way upstairs and into the bathroom. He picks up the magazine I accidentally left on the counter when Crew rang the doorbell. The magazine with naked girls. “What is this shit?”
I’ve never seen him so angry. But I get it. I would have gotten in big trouble if Mom had found it before he did. Luckily she’s at the