yourself, “Hmm, graduation’s a long way off, Alex. Maybe you should toy with that girl as a source of entertainment to stem your own selfish fucking boredom.”
He stands perfectly still, frozen in place. The only small movement he makes is that of his shoulders rising slowly. As always, he appears annoyingly unaffected by what I’ve just said to him. His gaze is as hard as ever, impenetrable and distant. For one insane, awful moment, I think I’m actually going to pick up one of Dad’s barely used tools and smash him over the head with it. That would be satisfying, at least, and I’d feel a little relieved for a moment before the remorse kicked in.
“You think you’re so fucking clever, don’t you?” I snap. “Nothing touches you. Nothing reaches you. You’re… you’re…”
“I’m what?”
“You’re a void, Alex. A vast, beautiful fucking black hole that sucks everything into it and gives nothing back. Ever. Even the goddamn daylight can’t escape you. A dark cloud follows you wherever you go. It’s impossible to miss. You see everything. You judge everyone. You think you know everything. And, underneath all of that, you feel nothing.”
For the very first time, a small flicker of emotion flashes over his features. I haven’t angered him, though. His composure doesn’t falter even for a heartbeat. He simply looks…confused. With careful, measured, even steps, he moves towards me, and a kernel of fear begins to take root inside me. What…what the hell is he going to do?
“I have a temper,” he grinds out. “A bad one. I had to master it a long time ago, otherwise it was going to master me. So, yeah. I’m not exactly the most reactive person you’ll ever meet. But that doesn’t mean there’s nothing going on in here,” he says, tapping the side of his head. “I’m not aloof. I’m not cold. I’m not distant. I’m learning. And I feel everything, Silver.” He pauses, an unfamiliar edge of uncertainty smoldering in his eyes. It looks like he’s battling with himself over what he should say next. He speaks quickly, then, rushing the words out, as if he wants to expel them from his body before he can change his mind.
“You’re right. I told you that you were a means to an end in the bathroom, that I wasn’t interested in you, and that wasn’t true. I am not trying to use you as a source of entertainment, though. I’m trying to figure you out. I’m intrigued by you.”
“Why the hell would I intrigue you, for Christ’s sake?”
He doesn’t miss a beat. “Because you’re still standing. Because, after everything you went through, you didn’t fucking break.”
He’s so close to me now. Closer than he’s ever been before. I’m unsteady on my feet, and my heart is rioting against my ribs, as though it’s trying to break free from its cage and flee the scene of a crime.
“Strength is drawn to strength, Silver, and I think there’s a chance that you might be the strongest person I have ever met.” His warm breath skates over my collar bone and the shiver that follows doesn’t just slide over my skin—it sinks deep down into the marrow of my bones. With excruciatingly slow movements, Alex reaches out a tentative hand and takes hold of the curl of hair that’s fallen free from my sloppy ponytail. He gently winds it around the end of his finger, pupils blown, his lips parted, fixated on his finger and my hair that’s wrapped around it. He whispers the words that follow. “It isn’t just that. I also happen to think that you’re the most beautiful fucking thing I have ever witnessed with my own two eyes. I am watching you just as much as you’re watching me…and I don’t trust myself to look away.”
Ho…ly….shiiiiiiit.
I am seventeen-years-old. The world is changing around me so rapidly that I worry I might never find my place in it. Just a few short years ago, I was so sure of everything. I loved boybands, and horses, drawing and playing my guitar. Then, almost overnight, nothing was certain anymore, and things I thought I knew to be true no longer were. It was as though I was a caterpillar, happy, learning and growing, and then without warning I began to transform into something else. There has been no chrysalis, though, no cocoon to hide away inside, safe, until I’m ready to reemerge into the world, new and fresh and complete. No, all of my transformations have