you were better than all of them, but you’re not. You’re the same.”
Heat shoots through my chest and I can’t take it anymore. I’m yellin’ back at her as she goes for the door. “It’s not me, Hayles. I’ve been honest. I do love you, but you won’t let me. You’re lookin’ for ways out of this ‘cause it’s easier for you. Closin’ off ‘cause you don’t want to get hurt, but you know, you’re missin’ out on somethin’ real. Me. You. Us. That’s real. Stop blamin’ me, your mom, your weight, or whatever other delusion you have about me and Quynn. You are the one who’s keepin’ us apart. Not me.”
Her eyes are watering, and I want to eat all the words I’ve just said. She sniffles and says between hitched breaths, “I… gave… you… all of me. I let you in.” She sniffs again, opens the door and steps out onto the porch. “And you can’t even tell her you’re with me. You can’t tell anyone about me. I bet your best friend doesn’t even know.” She pauses to wipe more tears from her face. Tears I wish I hadn’t put there. “You can’t let her go.”
It’s quiet between us. I don’t know what to say to make her feel better. Don’t know what she’s thinkin’. She’s right. She knows it. But I’m right too.
Aren’t I?
“I was telling the truth when I said I don’t regret anything between us. You gave me the best few weeks of my life. I’m glad you were my first… everything.”
She’s sayin’ goodbye. No. No. No.
“Hayley, don’t—”
“You deserve someone who you can brag about to your friends. Someone who’s not embarrassing to be with. Someone who you want to shout out to the world you love them.” She gulps. “It’s just not me.”
Before I can argue, before I can do anythin’, she turns and leaves, huddling into the hoodie I gave her last night.
I should chase after her. That’s what they want, right? Girls always want the guy to chase them down and beg and plead to take them back.
Instead I fall on the porch steps, bury my face, and let go of the first tears I’ve ever cried over a girl.
Reason 25: When you’re pissed at me, I turn into a depressed slob who can’t stop listenin’ to that pop crap
It’s the ass room again. I did go to that party, came home and crashed on the bed and stayed there till Mom and Dad came home. It’s amazin’ how in the course of twenty-four hours, my room is stock full of dirty laundry and pizza boxes.
And I don’t give a shit.
The whole time at the party I wanted to tell Quynn. I wanted to be straight with her. I’m with Hayley. Sorry if I gave you the wrong idea. But the words never came out. ‘Cause I’m not with Hayles. Not anymore. Or was I ever?
So I drank myself into a stupor, and I’ve spent all day burpin’ up pizza and garlic bread, and listenin’ to Katy Perry on repeat.
“I’m never leaving you alone again.” Mom comes in and whips open the window. I groan and throw the pillow over my head. “Have you even left this room today?”
“Just to piss,” I mumble into the mattress. They took a cab home since I didn’t get my ass out of bed to pick ‘em up like I’d planned. I was goin’ to have Hayley come with me, but that was before things went to the crapper.
The pillow gets ripped off my head.
“Uh oh.” Mom goes to sit on my bed, but changes her mind when she spots a pizza slice stuck to the sheets. “Um…” She swallows back whatever chunks rose in her throat. “What happened, honey?”
Not goin’ to talk about this with my mom. So I give her a “Nothin’” and turn my face back into the mattress.
“Don’t you dare lie to me. I’d throw a tomato in your face, but right now I doubt it would do anything.”
She’s right. I may puke, but I puked all mornin’, so I couldn’t give a damn right now.
“Did something happen with Gabe?”
I shake my head, but it gives me a headache so I stop.
“Quynn?”
“Ma, I don’t want to talk about it.”
“So it is about Quynn.”
I grab the back of my head and try to force my face farther into the bed. It’s not doin’ anythin’ though. Just makin’ my temples ache. Doesn’t hurt as much as what’s goin’ on in my chest though.
“She’ll