still be intact. Yes, it's going to be much harder getting a new identity and everything that goes along with it, but at least he'll be alive.
That's not what's going to happen to my mother.
All day long, I can feel that he senses something is wrong. I try to hide it as best as I can, but there's only so much I can do.
When I agree to go on a walk with him, I think that I will finally tell him the truth and I will ask him to borrow the money to save my mother's life.
Then I get scared. I can't bring myself to ask.
What if he says no?
What if he says that they might kill her anyway, but we need this money?
That's true, of course.
I'm in an impossible situation but I have to do something to save her.
I kiss him one last time and I tell him that I'll meet him back at the cabin, but that's a lie.
I'm going to take the money in the car and drive to Running Springs. I have forty-five minutes, which is more than enough and yet hardly any time at all.
I'm crying by the time I take the money out of the cabinet.
Tears are streaming down my face and my whole body is shaking from the cold.
How can I do this to him?
What if this doesn't work anyway?
What happens then?
I don't know what to do. They have made a lot of threats and they have her hostage. She's my mother and she doesn't deserve to die. I'm in the position to save her. If I don't do it, who will?
I get a piece of paper and leave him a note on the coffee table.
I'm going to get some more groceries. Be back in a little bit.
When I start the car and pull out of the driveway, I force myself to calm down.
I take one deep breath after another, inhaling slowly and exhaling even slower.
“You're in control,” I say to myself as I drive down the hill. “You have the money. You're in control of the situation.”
I repeat this as if it were my mantra even though it's far from it. The truth is that I have very little control. I'm in an impossible situation where someone is going to get hurt one way or the other.
The only reason I'm doing this is because I know for sure that they’re going to kill my mom and turn in Tyler if I don't.
If they get the money, at least there's a chance that I will have them both with me… alive.
Running Springs is a small town of less than a thousand people halfway up the mountain to Big Bear. This must be the main drag because there are a few souvenir shops and the grocery store where I'm supposed to dump the money. I get there fifteen minutes early and I park in the back, right across from the dumpster.
The guy on the other end of the call told me to throw the money there and leave, but I have no idea how I'm supposed to get my mom. They hung up before I could ask.
I wait by my phone and look up kidnapping and ransom exchanges. Apparently, this is a common approach, but it involves a lot of trust.
One party drops the money off in one place and then the person that has been kidnapped is returned or let go somewhere else.
Doing the exchange in the same location presents a lot of challenges, but this presents even more.
The main thing is that I don't have trust. I have no idea if they're actually going to let my mom go or if I'm just throwing away all the money that we have in the world and Tyler's only chance to start a new life.
Minutes continue to tick away.
Now it's five on the dot.
I get out of the car.
I still haven't decided.
I walk past the dumpster and look inside. It has recently been emptied. If I throw this bag in there, it's going to be the only thing at the bottom.
I pace back and forth nervously. I bury my hands in my jacket and start picking my nails, trying to make my anxiety go away, but it only makes it worse.
What the hell do I do?
How do I make this decision?
Suddenly, I realize that I have made a mistake.
If I had told Tyler about this, he could have come with me and been a lookout. If we were both here, then we would stand