strangely intoxicating.
I pulled out another water and drank deep before offering her an energy bar. We found a wide, smooth boulder to sit on in the shade and drank the rest of our water. Emma drew her knees close to her chest and rested her arms on them. Her profile softened with contentment.
Which meant I had to ruin it.
“I’m sorry for scaring you yesterday.”
Emma stiffened, and I silently cursed myself for saying anything. But then she tilted her head my way. Her calm blue eyes moved over my face, as though assessing. I held myself still, pretending I didn’t itch to hop off the damn rock.
“You didn’t scare me,” she said softly, carefully. “Not really.”
But I had. I’d been there. I’d seen her fear. “I’m . . . loud when I lose my temper,” I said, feeling like an asshole. I shouldn’t have lost my temper with this woman at all. “I used to be . . .” Better. Whole. “Calmer. Anyway, it was unforgivable and I—”
Her hand landed on my forearm, warm and steady.
“Lucian. Don’t. You have no reason to apologize. We were arguing. It happens.”
“But—”
“My dad hit.”
Whatever I had planned to say came to a screeching halt, a red mist moving over my gaze. She’d been hit. My fists curled. I wanted . . . fuck. I wanted to hug her. Hold her.
Her nose wrinkled as she traced along the seam of her pants. “It was his favorite method of discipline, if you can call it that.” She grimaced, glancing away. “Sometimes, I flinch, even though logic tells me there’s no real threat.”
I swallowed twice before I could find my voice. “Understandable. Fear is mostly reactionary.”
If you ask, I’ll hold you. I won’t let go until you feel safe again. Ask me, Em.
With a frown, Emma shrugged, as if she could push it all away. “It’s embarrassing. I’m not that weak and frightened girl anymore.”
No, she was strong, resilient, beautiful. And yet she was embarrassed. It was fundamentally wrong.
“You think being physically abused is a sign of weakness?”
Emma ducked her head, the sunlight glinting on her hair like a halo. “I . . . no. I don’t know. I guess a part of me always wonders, If I’d been stronger, bigger, would it have happened?”
I understood. Far too well. What-ifs plagued my life. I let her worries sink in and thought about them before answering with measured words. “I have this buddy. He’s a big guy, six-five, solid muscle. No one with any sense wants to mess with him.” My thumb flicked a bit of gravel from the edge of the rock. “He had a girlfriend. They’d been together since high school.”
A frown wrinkled between Emma’s brows. “And he hit her?”
“No. She hit him.”
Her eyes went wide. “What?”
I shrugged. “She’d get into these rages without provocation. She’d scream and rant, throw shit at his head, slap his face, claw his skin. He’d just take it, simply shut down, and let her rail.”
The memory sank like a stone in my gut. The deadness in Hal’s eyes, how he’d held himself stiff and apart from everyone.
“It was one of those things you wouldn’t believe until you witnessed it,” I said to Emma. “Then you wondered why he stayed. Took him years to leave her. She was all he knew, and she’d somehow convinced him it was all his fault.”
“God.” The empathy in Emma’s voice wrapped its soft hands around my heart. I leaned a hair closer to her.
“Point is. This was a big guy, strong and powerful. One good swat from him, and she’d be out for the count. But he wasn’t about to raise his hand to her or to any woman. Because he knew his strength and wielded it responsibly.”
My gaze met Emma’s deep-blue one. “Of course, there are men who hit, and they get off on using their strength to hurt others. But at the most basic level, abuse isn’t about the physically strong versus the weak. It’s a mindfuck, designed to break down your dignity and confidence.”
Her gaze moved over my face as we stared at each other. And I got the impression that she was working things out in her head. Slowly, like the tide coming in, her expression opened up, and she gave me the smallest of smiles. It rushed into all the dark corners of my heart, and I had to mentally brace myself.
“You’re right,” she said.
I cleared my throat and gave her a solemn nod. “I usually am.”
It took her a second;