you didn’t love her?”
“I cared for her,” he explains. “I tried to do the right thing for you and for her. Mainly you. In order for her to live in this country, she needed to be a resident. It was best to marry her and get her a green card. I didn’t want to live away from my baby. I wanted my girl to have a family. It made sense to me.”
I sigh because so far, I can’t find anything in common between Mom and me. Dad’s reasoning is different. Mom came back to him because she needed help with the baby, not because she loved him. She said that to me while she was going through her treatment. “Why were you with Mom in the first place?”
“Why are we having this conversation?”
I explain to him how I have this idea of Mom having this unrequited love for him. He was with her because of the circumstances, but in love with Dan.
“Listen, I cared about your mom. Neither one of us was in love with each other, but we tried our best because we wanted you to have a family. I knew what it was to grow up with a single Mom. I didn’t want that for you. When we realized that we were both miserable, we divorced. Should we have handled your custody differently? I don’t know. Dan and I wanted to be part of your life. A part of me wanted to file for full custody but it wouldn’t have been fair to you or your mom. If I failed you in some way for trying my best, I apologize.”
“It would’ve been nice not to be jumping from one house to the other every year,” I say. It’s not a complaint. I’m over it; but to be honest, it would’ve been better if Mom had stayed in San Francisco until I was eighteen.
“Yes, but now you’re afraid that you don’t fit in one place,” he concludes.
He’s right. Maybe that’s why every time Eros asked me to go with him, I disregarded his invitation. What if he sent me away after he got bored with me? “I live afraid that no one will ever love me,” I say out loud.
“Home isn’t a physical address, but with those who love you. When you were in Canada with your Mom, Dan and I missed you so much. You’re our little girl. He loves you as if you are his.” He almost chokes when he says the last sentence. “We tried to visit you at least five times a year to make sure you knew you were still part of us. Love is complicated. Families come in all shapes. Ours isn’t conventional, but we tried our best. Will you find someone to share your life with? It’s hard to find love when you’re already in love with someone.”
“What are you talking about?”
“Eros,” he answers. “Are you afraid that you don’t fit in his life, and that’s why you don’t let him in yours?”
“He’s never wanted to be a part of my life. Just some casual visitor.”
“Passing bystanders don’t stay for days when your dad has a heart attack. They don’t fly to Boston so they can help you during your Mom’s surgery and treatments…” His voice trails. “They don’t call your parents to check on them or wish them a happy birthday every year.”
“He’s done that?”
“I thought you knew.”
“He never told me,” I whisper.
Dad’s right. I love Eros Brassard. But I can’t go back to whatever we had. I need a lot more than texts and the occasional encounter that ends with a see you next time. It’s unsustainable. Our situation feels like a repeat of my childhood. We have a good time, but then he leaves. I’m left behind suppressing my feelings because I learned well to hide them from my parents. This time, I want something permanent.
I want forever.
Will he offer it or just end things after we give it a try? Is it even worth it to give him a chance?
Chapter Thirty-Six
Eros
“My favorite girl is here!” I say when Nyx enters my house. She’s holding Nova in her arms.
“Unk Edos,” she screams, extending her pudgy arms toward me.
I grab her from Nyx and fly her around the living room and the dining room.
“I’m a budefly!”
“The prettiest one,” I confirm.
Once we’re done flying, I blow a raspberry on her cheek, and she laughs.
“What do you think? Should we check if there are any treats in the kitchen?”
Her mischievous grin grows