help of regular therapy, but I doubt I’ll ever be able to appreciate the beauty of a thunderstorm the way I once did as a child.
I pull all the curtains closed so I don’t have to watch the lightning and thunder, change into one of RJ’s flannel shirts so I’m surrounded by his smell, and check on Kody. He’s sleeping peacefully.
I turn on his lullaby soundtrack and settle into the glider in his room, breathing through the anxiety, reminding myself that we’re safe at home. After a few minutes my phone buzzes in my breast pocket. I slip out of Kody’s room to answer the video call.
“Hey, baby, I just saw the weather—you all right?” Worry creases his forehead.
“I’m okay—congratulations on winning the game tonight.” I try not to flinch at the rumble of thunder.
“Thanks. I wish I was there with you.” He runs a hand through his wet hair. Based on the background, he’s in his hotel room.
“Me too, but Kody’s sleeping peacefully, and I’m wrapped in you, so I’ll be fine,” I assure him as I move the phone over my torso. When I return to my face, his expression has shifted from worry to hunger.
“Is that my shirt?”
“Mmm. It’s almost like you’re here with me when I can smell you.” I sniff the collar, where his cologne is the strongest.
“I should start bringing something of yours to away games—maybe one of your nightshirts.”
“Pretty sure that would raise a few questions with your roomie.”
“Hmm. Good point.”
“Speaking of, where is your roommate?”
“At the bar. I wanted to call you, maybe see if you need a sensory distraction.” He settles on his bed, bare chest coming into view, a towel wrapped around his waist.
“That might be a bit tough considering we’re in different states.” I climb up onto our bed.
“Or it might be fun?” He cocks a brow.
“Are you suggesting phone sex?”
“Mmm. That sounds naughty, which I like, but we can also call it sensory exploration research.” He tugs at the edge of the towel. “What do you think, Lainey, should we give it a shot? See if it’s an effective calming strategy?”
I smile and pop the first button on the flannel shirt. “I don’t see the harm in trying.”
By the time we’re done, the storm is long over, we’re both relaxed, and I can definitely say it’s an effective calming exercise.
Although Kody and I miss RJ when he’s away, I have Eden and the new friends I’ve made to keep the anxiety at bay. I’ve never been much of one for social media, so I’m pretty safe from all the terrible things people post.
I’ve also been warned by the girls to avoid reading the comments like the plague. Well, Violet said I should avoid it like a herpes-covered dick, but I get what she means. It’s rather disturbing how much people seem to love fabricating horrible stories and dragging up RJ’s less-than-sunshiny past.
We persevere, though, and while I don’t think I’ll ever truly be comfortable in a hockey arena surrounded by thousands of RJ’s adoring fans, I love watching him play and giving Kody experiences I never had when I was young.
Charlene tells me she has these great calming candies she’ll be happy to share with me when we go to games, once I’m finished breastfeeding. For now I just drink copious quantities of chamomile tea and collect RJ’s kisses like they’re a protective and soothing balm for my ridiculous worries.
While there’s lots of change, including Kody learning how to crawl before Christmas, one thing remains the same. I miss my family. They’ve been to visit twice more since the beginning of the season.
Kody and I flew to Seattle for Christmas, in part because RJ had games out west just before the holidays. His family flew up to Seattle to celebrate as well, so I was able to get to know them better. He’s particularly close with his sister, Stevie. The two of them took Kody and Max, his nephew, shopping one afternoon, which was super sweet. She made RJ wear a baseball cap—not Chicago inspired—and told him if he made a scene she’d leave him with both the kids.
I learned a lot about RJ in those few days. He’s an incredible older brother to Stevie, and he takes the role quite seriously. And in a lot of ways he seems to want to fill the absence of his father for her. He and his brother Kyle have a great friendship. They share good-natured ribbing, and I get to