could take it, even with the ardeur, Nicky said, "I want to fuck you again. I love that I'm on your short list of the men you don't make wear a condom."
It hadn't been a front-of-the-head decision; he was just with me when I was with Micah and Nathaniel and Sin so much, and they were on my fluid-bonded list, too, so... it had been a recent change to not make Nicky put on that extra layer of protection. I was on the pill, and I was a carrier for lycanthropy so I couldn't catch that even if the rough sex bled me, but I still made most of the other men wear condoms, just in case. I remembered the moment I hadn't made Nicky put one on; Nathaniel and Sin had both been there, but Micah had been out of town. It had just seemed natural, but his mentioning it like that made me think about it. I wasn't always good when I thought about things. I tended to start tearing at my relationships, as if I were trying to break free of some sort of trap. Did I still see love as a trap? Was I still that unhealthy, that once a man reminded me how much he meant to me, I had to fight my way free of it until I destroyed everything? Wasn't that what I was doing with Sin? Was I about to do the same with Nicky?
"I can't hear your thoughts, only feel your emotions, but I don't like that look. It's never good. What did I say wrong?"
I looked up at him. His hair was still slicked back from his face, leaving it bare and wonderful. His body was naked and covered in water, so lickable and yummy. I could still feel the happy ache of him in my throat. He'd been at my side for two years. What did he have to do to prove himself? What did anyone have to do to prove themselves to me? Some of the men in my life would have said a hell of a lot.
I realized that the ardeur had receded again. Once I'd been at its mercy, but not now. I controlled the ardeur so well that I had to remind myself to feed sometimes. If I didn't feed, my ability to heal was compromised, and I would eventually begin to draw energy off Nathaniel and Damian first, and then move on to Jean-Claude and Richard, but only after Nathaniel and Damian were dead. Jean-Claude had explained that metaphysical math to me when my control got this good, because I'd thought control meant victory. I'd forgotten the ardeur was like your stomach; just because you could teach yourself not to want to eat didn't mean your body didn't need the food.
I still needed to feed, but it wasn't the overwhelming control-stealing thing it had been. I had more choices now. I couldn't blame the ardeur for the sex I was having. The ardeur put some of the men on my plate, but what I did with them was me now. I tried to decide how I felt about that.
"Anita?" Nicky made it a question. His face was closing down, drawing away from me, putting his defenses back in place. He'd been made into a sociopath, which meant some of the emotions were in there. I didn't want him to put them away again. I liked the glimpses I got of his heart.
"Fuck me," I said it softly.
"What?" he asked, like he was having trouble hearing above the pounding water.
"Fuck me," I said, louder.
A smile curled the edges of his mouth, and filled his face with an almost disturbing happiness. There was always the sense that there was darkness inside Nicky that he got to let out thanks to me, but it was still in there, and it always wants out, the dark. It can be controlled, harnessed even, but in the end it just wants to come out and play dark games.
He let me see the happy monster inside him. It had nothing to do with his beast; what I saw in his face wasn't animal, it was all human, just most people didn't like to admit it. Nicky didn't mind. Nathaniel didn't mind. Dev didn't mind. And because they didn't mind, I was beginning not to mind either.
"Fuck me," I said, again.
He didn't make me ask again.
Chapter Thirty-Five
NICKY PICKED ME up again, and I wrapped myself around him like a monkey, legs at