a concussion, or gone into a coma. Anything but this.
He sounded so disappointed. In the most gentle way possible, Stephen told me that he couldn’t be with me if I wasn’t sober. No matter how much he loved me and wanted to take care of me, his sobriety had to come first.
I had to fight the voice that told me it was useless to go back to my sobriety. The voice said it was hopeless to try again. That it was pointless to want to live. I went back to Alcoholics Anonymous to try again. They say that you aren’t supposed to get sober for anyone else in your life besides yourself, but . . . I couldn’t bear to lose Stephen. So I went back to The Log Cabin, even though I felt like I wasn’t worth shit.
As I entered, I saw this woman across the room. She had this huge presence. Even before I talked to her, I could tell she was a force of nature. She was this curvy girl in a tiny, tiny dress and she was glowing. I mean, her contour game was strong. I felt pulled toward her and sat down next to her. We started talking and I found out her name was Kristal. I don’t know what it was about her, but I found myself telling her everything. “Yeah, I relapsed but I’m back now. It’s fine. I’m only twenty-three. I’m young.”
She said, unflinchingly, “If you don’t take this seriously, you’re going to die.” She was facing me dead-on. She wasn’t smiling. She didn’t feel sorry for me. “You’re not too young to die.”
“I—” I held her gaze. “Good morning to you too.” She didn’t laugh at my joke.
“Last week I buried a girl just like you. A funny, pretty blonde. She was twenty-three too. OD’d in her bathtub. You’re not invincible. This will take you down just like it took her.”
When she said that, it hit me. Something about Kristal and the way she spoke to me got through. I believed everything she said.
“I’m afraid of you. Will you sponsor me?” I knew she wouldn’t let me get away with anything. She nodded yes, and I was completely recommitted.
I spoke to her in person or on the phone every single day. I started the steps over again. I gave it everything I had. I did it like my life depended on it, because now I truly knew that it did.
Kristal helped me take inventory of everything in my life: every defect, every fear, every resentment. I wrote it all down in this thick yellow journal, that—by the end of the inventory—was as battered as I felt. Kristal made sure I was thorough: tackling, investigating, and dealing with everything inside myself. Kristal just gave and gave to me, without compensation or condition.
Something shifted in my mind and changed how I perceived the world. I felt like I finally woke up, like I could see the world more clearly now as a place of love instead of a place of survival or of fear. I focused on living through serving others, rather than for myself. My new mantra was trust God, clean house, help others.
Trust God meant that I needed to trust the power of the universe/penguins and stop trying to run the fucking show. Ultimately, I don’t have control over everything in the world, or really much at all. Accepting that brings peace.
Clean house meant that I needed to check in every day with myself to ask: Am I resentful? Do I owe amends? Have I been selfish, self-seeking, dishonest, or afraid? If so, what’s a better way? It meant making sure that my side of the street is clean. It’s also about recognizing the good in my life. Seeing what I can be grateful for around me.
Help others . . . that’s pretty self-explanatory, isn’t it? It’s so simple, but it’s a huge part of my sobriety. I started giving to others what was so freely given to me. Kristal, this force of nature in a tiny dress, gave hours and hours of her time to me to teach me how to live without drinking. So I did the same for others. In all parts of my life, I tried to focus outward rather than inward.
This was a huge shift for me. I had been so self-obsessed. Completely consumed with what I could get rather than what I could give. Everything was about MY NEEDS. I needed scar cream. I needed