on American Idol!
I learned a monologue. I was so serious about it that I didn’t even smoke weed the day before the audition. THAT’S how much I cared.
I studied my ass off. It was like speech all over again. My monologue was hilarious, and I knew I was going to nail it. I took the train to Chicago where the auditions were being held, and stood in line for hours and hours. When I finally got in front of the judges, I had them in stitches. I was on cloud nine.
One of the producers, who looked to be in his forties, pulled me off to the side.
“Laura, right? You were brilliant.”
I said, “Oh, you think so? That’s so nice of you.” But I was thinking, You’re damn right I was.
He smiled charmingly. “We should meet tonight and talk about opportunities for you in Los Angeles. We want you to be on the show.”
YES. Yes yes yes. My sixteen-year-old brain could not even fathom my dreams coming true right now, in this moment.
I trekked home, swung open the door, and yelled, “HELLO, FAMILY! I’VE MADE IT.”
My dad looked up from the couch. “That’s right, honey! You’re amazing!”
I found my mother and Colleen in the dining room and filled them in. They needed to enjoy my company now, because my time in Downers Grove would be fleeting, as I would soon be a star and have forgotten about them completely.
“It’s called a second meeting, and only the best actors get them. We’re going to talk about my career.”
Colleen gasped. “That’s great!”
I feigned confidence, but I was nervous. I didn’t know how to conduct myself in professional late-night meetings!
“Can you come with me, Colleen?”
Colleen drove me to the W Hotel that night. Oh, did I mention his meeting spot of choice was the W Hotel?
I found him at the bar. Colleen sat off to the side of the bar and watched.
“Here. Have a drink, Laura.”
“Have another drink.”
“Have another.”
I just kept drinking what he gave me. I didn’t want to be rude. I had to get to LA and I kept thinking that this was my ticket, this was how the industry worked. It was getting later and later.
Colleen tapped me on the shoulder. “I want to go home, Laura. Can we go?”
We moved out of earshot of the producer.
“I think I have to stay,” I said.
Colleen was annoyed. “Well, if you have to stay, then stay. I’m going home. I have work in the morning.”
I sighed. “Okay, fine.” I would take the train home. I went back to the producer . . . and I don’t remember anything after that. I blacked out completely.
I woke up in the morning to the sun glaring on my face. Squinting in the bright morning light, I looked around. I was in an empty hotel room. There was forty dollars next to me, and a note that read: Thanks for last night. Here’s money for a cab.
I didn’t even get on the show.
Colleen got a DUI on the way home. So, lose-lose.
At this point I was just ready to leave my town, to go anywhere but here. I hated school and I hated getting in trouble and it felt like that was all I was doing.
After acting out in one of my classes, I was brought in to see the school counselor. I remember wondering why I wasn’t just being punished like usual.
“Is everything okay at home?” The counselor looked at me with understanding.
I looked at him and narrowed my eyes. “Can I just have detention?”
I didn’t really know what to say. He recommended therapy for me.
I brought it up to my mom that night. I told her that I maybe thought it was kind of a good idea. Maybe there is something going on with me and I could talk to someone and get better.
“If you need to talk to someone, you can talk to me.”
It was one of two things. First of all, we never, ever went to the doctor. We didn’t have health insurance growing up. So she might have thought that there was no fucking way we could afford therapy for me, which was completely valid. She also might have not wanted to expose what was going on at home.
I liked my home life. I loved my parents. But I suppose the unsettling thing at home for me was my dad’s drinking. It could be scary at times. He didn’t beat us or anything like that, but he was six four, and he