propped up against the headboard. As far as hotel rooms go, I’ve slept in worse. Hate the pillows here though. We only have one each and they feel as fluffy as flat rocks.
But instead of dwelling on how my neck will feel in the morning, I text Daisy, because it’s less stressful to text Daisy than to wonder what the hell happened between Muffy and that Gerry guy that she ran into while we were standing in line at the funeral home, which isn’t my drama, and I want it out of my head.
Tyler: Are you serious right now? How did you get seven thousand cookies delivered all over Richmond with two hours’ notice?
Brit: Aww! It’s Tyler! He lives! Why are you in Richmond?
Allie: I didn’t send cookies. That sounds like Daisy.
Keely: Definitely Daisy. Ditto to the Richmond question. How far is that from Copper Valley? And which Richmond?
Brit: Did you know there are like ninety Richmonds? He could be in a foreign country.
Tyler: Ignore that message. It was for Ares. He’s in Richmond playing pranks on random people.
Allie: *gif of Carol Kane screeching LIAR! in The Princess Bride*
Brit: You need to work on your lying game, T.
Keely: *picture of her friend-finder app with Tyler’s location highlighted in Richmond, Virginia*
Allie: What Keely said. We all know you’re in Richmond.
Daisy: Guys, go easy on him. He was at a funeral.
Brit: OMG! Who died? Was it open casket? You okay, Ty? Did you see dead people?
Keely: Better question: did anyone come back to life?
Tyler: *middle finger emoji*
Brit: *gif of a troll saying SOLID BURN*
Tyler: *gif of a dude saying FUCK YOU ALL*
Dad: I’ve got a lovely buffalo coconut in my butt.
Brit: Seriously, Ty, who died? And are you okay?
Allie: Why didn’t you tell us? You know we wouldn’t have let you go to a funeral alone.
Keely: That’s exactly why he didn’t tell us.
Daisy: Don’t worry. West and I are on the way.
Tyler: Why do I even talk to you?
Keely: Because you know we’d have your back in the zombie apocalypse.
Allie: I really didn’t think Keely would be the one to follow in Mom’s footsteps, but there she goes with another not-dead grandpa joke.
Brit: OH MY GOD. Tyler. It’s a woman, isn’t it? You’re dating someone! Who is she? What’s her name? When do we get to meet her? Are you bringing her home for Christmas? Is she a bunny, or is she someone else? Wait! Wait! Are you dating one of your teammates’ sisters? OH MY GOD. You’re dating the coach’s daughter and you’re trying to make a good impression, aren’t you?
Tyler: *picture of a skinny white guy with big glasses* Haha! Psych. I stole this phone. This is me. I’m Bernard. You guys sound like fun. Will you adopt me? I’ll send you my real number.
Dad: That’s a funny Grand Canyon of a vagina, Tyler, my favorite son, god of the sun and moon, he who bangs best.
Dad: Grand Canyon of a vagina.
Dad: WHO CHANGED MY PHONE TO INSULT YOUR YO-YO MA’S SEX TAPE?
Dad: BEEEEEEEEEEEP.
Keely: OMG, I’m wheezing.
Allie: My favorite part of this is that Tyler’s going to get blamed for changing the autocorrect setting in Dad’s phone. Again.
Brit: I can’t believe no one changed “joke” in his phone before now.
Dad: I CAN STILL SEE YOUR MESSAGES.
Keely: Let’s hope Ty’s new girlfriend doesn’t tell jokes, or Dad might autocorrect insult her vagina too.
Tyler: Wow, this family is really inappropriate. I like it. So will my mom. I’m thirteen.
Brit: You tried that last year, Ty. Same fake selfie and everything. We’re not buying it.
Keely: Also, if you don’t want us to ask about your girlfriend, the best course of action is to stay silent in group texts.
West: I can confirm this battle strategy. *thumbs up emoji*
Allie: OMG. West. It was YOU! You changed Dad’s phone, didn’t you? It’s always the quiet, serious ones.
Brit: Don’t let him distract you, Allie. We’re talking about Tyler’s dating life.
Keely: It’s like eleven at night there. If he had a girlfriend, he’d be getting busy with her, not texting with us.
Brit: Good point. You need advice, T? We’re here for you.
Keely: I can call Staci and type in her opinions. I’d do that for you.
Allie: No, don’t bother Staci. She’s been waiting on Javi all day.
Dad: That man’s poor balls.
Brit: Hey, Tyler disappeared again.
Daisy: Maybe he’s having happier balls than Javi is.
The bathroom door opens, and I hit the power button on my phone. Part of me is pissed that I hit the wrong conversation in text