behind. He never got to retire and enjoy the lifestyle he’d worked so hard for. He didn’t even get to see me grow up. Even now, some days I can’t believe he’s gone. The pain lives deep inside me. It never goes away.
I’d give anything to hug him one last time. I close my eyes and try to remember what he sounded like, his deep, comforting voice. But I can’t hear it anymore, not even in my head. With my eyes squeezed shut, I can only remember my parents’ arguments, their voices echoing around the draughty house. Whatever I do, if I have a child I will give it a better childhood than I had.
Eleven
Beth
My screams keep coming and my pulse races. My whole body tenses, preparing to be attacked. I don’t have a weapon. I’m in the house on my own with Charlie. And someone has their hand on my shoulder.
I can’t bear to turn round, can’t bear to face the monster behind me.
‘Beth,’ a voice says. ‘Beth.’ It takes a moment for my brain to stop panicking and for me to recognise it. Richard. It’s only Richard.
‘Are you alright?’
‘You scared me,’ I reply, finally turning round to look at him. And then I feel a flicker of hope. Has he changed his mind about leaving me? Does he want to come back?
‘I’m sorry,’ he says with a frown. ‘I thought you heard me come in. It was about half an hour ago. I called out to you. I’ve just been looking for some course notes in my filing cabinet.’
‘I was with a client.’
‘Oh, yes,’ he says absently. ‘I saw the light on in your room when I went upstairs to check on Charlie. He was awake. I read him a story.’
‘It was you who left the Thomas the Tank Engine book by his bed?’
‘He wanted me to read to him.’
At first I feel relieved, but then anger rises in me. ‘You can’t just come in and read him a story without telling me. You shouldn’t have let yourself in. You should have told me you were coming.’ He must have known that he’d scare me. He knows my history, knows how anxious I get.
‘I used to let myself in all the time,’ he says with a frown. ‘And I wanted to see my son.’
‘But we’ve split up. I thought I was alone, and then suddenly you appeared. Imagine how terrified that made me feel.’
‘OK, OK,’ he says, irritated. ‘I’m sorry. I just wanted to talk to you about a few things. We need to sort out custody arrangements, for a start.’
‘Custody arrangements?’ It all sounds so official. And it hits me then. Richard’s never coming back. We’re never going to be a family again. Our relationship really is over.
‘We need to work out when I can see Charlie.’ He’s so matter-of-fact, as if two weeks ago we weren’t still trying to make our relationship work.
‘I’ll let you see Charlie, of course.’ I’d never deprive our son of his father. But then I hesitate, horrified by a new thought. ‘You don’t want him to live with you, do you?’
‘No, no,’ Richard says hastily. ‘You can be the primary carer. And besides, the flat I’m renting is far too small. Just a one-bed. That’s something else I need to talk to you about. You know this house belongs to me.’
‘It’s our house.’ I’d thought we’d grow old here together.
‘But I paid for it, didn’t I?’
I stare at him, incredulous. ‘Are you saying you wanted to leave me, but now you’ve come back to claim your house?’
He puts a hand on my arm and I shake it off.
‘No. But I’ve been thinking about it. And it does seem silly for me to be living in a tiny flat when you’re here in this huge house. Especially as I was the one who paid for it.’
My whole life is in this house. It’s close to Charlie’s school. It’s where I see clients. It’s been my refuge since Richard and I moved in. Until recently, I’ve always felt happy here.
‘What are you trying to say? I’d keep the house, wouldn’t I?’ I say, doubt creeping into my voice. ‘I’ll be the one looking after Charlie most of the time. And he’ll need a big enough place to run around in.’
Richard squirms. ‘It’s not that simple. The house isn’t yours to keep, Beth.’
Twelve
Danielle
I check my face in the mirror in Beth’s downstairs cloakroom. The skin around my scars is flushed, but otherwise I look