eyes shut and forced herself to think about something else.
Gavin.
His face came to mind. He was grinning that grin she loved and holding her hand. She took a deep breath, feeling the air flow in more easily. She thought about his laugh, about the stupid Boston College sweatshirt that he’d worn so many times that only the B and C were readable, about the way he preferred his peanut butter and jelly sandwiches grilled.
She breathed again, fully now, her heart rate slowing.
Carefully she opened her eyes and looked around his living room. She concentrated on picking up on the details of the room, pushing the thoughts of her mom to the back of her mind.
She looked at the furniture, the bookshelves, his movie and music collection.
For the first time she noticed the framed photographs on the mantle and started forward. Did he have photos of his family? Her?
But as she got closer she saw that they were photos of him with animals. In three of the pictures, he was surrounded by gorgeous huskies. He had his arms around their necks and was grinning broadly at the camera. The final three photos were also of Gavin with animals. Polar bears, to be exact.
She stared. Polar bears again? They looked real enough, but in one photo he and two other guys were kneeling behind a huge bear lying on the snow. Definitely close enough to become the bear’s lunch. The animal was either fake or dead.
Of course, looking at the way one of the guys was holding his head and Gavin was lifting the humongous paw, she thought possibly it was just sedated.
Allie lifted a finger and touched Gavin’s smile.
It wasn’t like she hadn’t seen him smile. She had, of course. They’d laughed together a thousand times. And he did have that seductive grin that he turned on when he was getting her naked—the one that said he knew exactly how weak he made her knees and how hard her stomach flipped when he touched her.
But this seemed different somehow. In this picture he was smiling…
For a reason other than her.
She jerked her hand back as the realization hit her.
Gavin was smiling about something that had absolutely nothing to do with her. Which sounded stupid and selfish, but she realized in that moment that she truly had believed that most of Gavin’s happiness, the things that really gave him joy and made him laugh, had to do with her.
Dammit.
When had she turned into such an egocentric brat?
Pissed at herself, she grabbed one of two photo albums off the mantel and took it to the couch. Gavin had been out of her life for over a year. She had some catching up to do. Had he taken some trips? He hadn’t flown up to the top of Mount McKinley or landed on any glaciers, but surely he’d had some fun in his new home. Had he met some new friends? He claimed he hadn’t been with any women—and Nancy had more or less confirmed that—but surely he didn’t spend every night at home alone.
But the pages of the photo album weren’t what she expected. They were filled with more polar bears. People too. Several different people, mostly dressed in the same cold weather gear Gavin was wearing. But the photos did tell more of the story. They showed people working with the bears, giving injections, taking measurements and other activities Allie didn’t quite understand. There was also a photo that showed the people indoors, arms around each other, smiling for the camera in front of a banner that read US Geological Survey.
In all the photos, Gavin was grinning, clearly enjoying the hell out of what he was doing.
She felt a lump in her throat as she looked at a copy of the photo he had in the clinic of him with the twin polar bear cubs. He was really happy. Contented even. She hadn’t seen that in Gavin much over the years.
He had fun. He enjoyed himself. But there had always been an underlying current of determination—like having fun even took concentration. He was so driven. Always.
Now he seemed settled. He’d always had a restless air about him, the feel that he was looking for something and would keep moving on until he found it.
She thought about what he’d told her about his dad. He’d been a cheater and a liar. Big-time. A pro. He’d practically been a male prostitute. He was paid in favors instead of money, but he was still a