men get married it’s not just because they fall madly in love. No, it’s because there’s a chip in their brain that tells them they are ready to settle down. To commit. Tells them they are ready for love and it’s okay to let go. Meet the right man at the wrong time and you’re screwed. Some lucky woman would meet Daniel in five years, when he’d be ripe to start afresh, by which time I would have long since given up. At least I hoped so, for my own sanity.
My mind wandered back to the casting of Jonathon. What actor would they choose? I hoped to God he wouldn’t have bad breath or something. We were going to have to kiss with tongues, feel each other up. The camera was only allowed to catch a flash of my side boob—or at least that’s what would appear on the big screen—but I’d still be topless, save tiny nipple covers, and with just the skimpiest flesh-colored covering down below. I needed to get over myself and stop worrying. Nicole Kidman had appeared naked on stage in The Blue Room, in London, early in her career. Lots of actresses had taken off their clothes for the sake of art. But would this be art?
The thought, though, of Daniel in New York, and me here, being directed by a stranger, left me to wonder . . . what would have happened if things had worked out how they were meant to? Daniel was judging me for taking the role, but he didn’t know what it was like to need money the way I did.
It’s easy to have highfaluting morals when you’re rich.
Still, as much as I reveled in my newfound success, I secretly wished he was along with me for the ride.
9
MY FIRST DAY ON SET was terrifying. Film wasn’t like theater. They put a bit of silver duct tape on the floor, which you had to reach every single take but without looking down. Casually walk to “hit your mark” as if it was the most natural thing in the world, making sure you stood not an inch away from it. Filming is mechanical; your body has to be at the perfect angle, your eye line hitting the perfect spot, not too far left, not to far right. The crew talked about “crossing the line” which meant that the cameras stayed on one side so you couldn’t double back on an action, or move in the opposite direction, or when it came to the cutting room the scene would be all over the place. Everything took hours to set up. Only two minutes screen time took all day to shoot. I was exhausted and I’d hardly done a thing.
I was so nervous that I hardly had time to study my co-star, who had not been there for the read-through the week before. His name was Cal, aka Jonathon. Like me, he wasn’t a movie star, e.g. was an “unknown,” although he’d done reams of TV series and commercials. He didn’t appear nervous though, had an easy manner and an engaging smile. Thank God. The last thing I needed was some sort of diva.
Cal and I were sitting in my trailer, playing Backgammon. Star had given me a tip before filming began. She told me, “Keep your tablet and phone off set and only glance at messages once a day. You’ll need to concentrate and make friends. Get to know every last person’s name, the gaffers, the grips, and electricians, even the runner. Don’t sit in your trailer alone. Socialize. These people will be your family for the duration of the shoot, and sometimes for life.”
I shook the dice. Two sixes. I smirked.
“You’re on a roll,” Cal said with a wink. “Make the most of it, babe.”
I moved my piece. There was something charming about Cal, so I didn’t mind him calling me “babe.” He was tall and slim but with a worked-out body, and so good looking he looked like a model, but his manner was a touch goofy, like he didn’t take himself too seriously. A kind of brotherly type—perhaps the kind of brother Will could have been if he weren’t emotionally “not quite all there.” I never used the word “mentally handicapped” about my brother—for some reason I couldn’t, I just thought of him as less attuned than most people. But having a normal conversation with Will was not easy. His mind wandered.
“Lucky I’m getting double sixes,” I said to