out with him. You really want some lame lawyer?”
“He’s a very nice guy.”
“Like you want a nice guy,” he barked. “You want me. Why else would you have slept with me for two days?”
I didn’t answer his question. “I’m not going to keep doing this, Ash. I need something more than a fuck buddy. I’m looking for a relationship, a long lasting one. This was fun while it lasted but it’s over. Let’s just walk away and move on.”
He released my hold. “You want a relationship?”
“Yes,” I snapped. “I want marriage and kids—just like every other girl. I made that clear a long time ago.”
His eyes softened. “With me?”
“No.” I didn’t want to give him a heart attack. “I just meant in general.”
His eyes darkened again.
“I’m not going to get that from you, as you made perfectly clear, so I need to find someone who will give it to me.” I stood up and pulled my clothes on.
He rose from the bed, still naked. “Are you saying you do want that with me?” His arms were by his sides but his body was tense. His shoulders were rigid like he was trying to remain still.
Like I would ever give him that satisfaction by saying yes. I went all the way to his apartment to confess my feelings and he had a skank at his place. Then he lied to me about it. Ash would never be what I wanted him to be. He was a player and a liar—not my type. “No.” I didn’t see the look on his face because I marched to the bathroom then locked the door behind me.
I immediately turned on the shower to block out all other sound. Then I slid to the floor with my clothes in my arms. Normally, I was such a logical person. I knew when my mind was in charge and when my heart was. Ash was no good for me but I couldn’t stop myself from wanting him. He warned me not to fall for him and I did it anyway. The last two days I spent with him were wonderful and beautiful. I’d give anything to have that every single day for the rest of my life. But Ash was untamable. He was unavailable. He knew he had me wrapped around his finger and he wanted to keep it that way.
I couldn’t let that happen.
***
I tried to act normal during my dinner with Brad but I couldn’t help but feel totally disgusting. Ash’s seed was still inside me, and I sat across from my date like nothing happened. The guilt was eating me alive and I felt like a terrible person. I hadn’t done anything wrong. Brad and I weren’t exclusive. We hadn’t even kissed. But my moral compass was off anyway.
Brad examined me as he sipped his wine. “Forgive me, but I get the impression something is wrong.”
“Why do you say that?” I ate my food and tried to act natural.
“Well, I’ve asked you a few questions now and you didn’t hear any of them…”
He did? How did I not hear him?
“Something on your mind?” He didn’t seem irritated, just concerned.
I was just going to come clean. The guilt was going to burn me from the inside out if I didn’t. “Okay, I had a fling for a while before we met, and I ended it when I started dating you but…we slept together yesterday and today.” I couldn’t look at him as I said it because I felt like a whore. “I’m so sorry. I feel terrible. I didn’t want it to happen but it did.” I stared at my plate but didn’t eat anything.
“Alessandra, it’s okay.” His voice came out gentle.
“It is?” I cringed because I thought he was lying.
“We aren’t exclusive,” Brad said. “We’ve only been on a few dates. Don’t be so hard on yourself.”
“I don’t think it’s good conduct to be physical with someone when you’re dating someone else. I swear, it’s not something I would normally do. It just happened…”
“It’s really okay,” he said. “I’m not angry.”
I relaxed and felt the guilt float away.
“I would feel differently if we were sleeping together but we aren’t. So, you’re in the clear.” He gave me a slight smile.
Phew. I was glad he didn’t make a scene then storm out.
“But it sounds like there’s something more than just…a physical relationship.” He kept the accusation out of his voice but not his look. “Do you have feelings for him?”
I couldn’t lie about that. It would